Bully Branding

Everyday we are reading and watching the news. Recently, it has focused on the problem of Bullying and how far it is going. Phoebe Prince took her life following a copy cat case in New Hampshire. Next, we hear of a couple of 11-year-olds who are taking their lives. It is sad and everyone says how it is sad. My question is why didn’t anyone do anything before it reached this level?

Another case in New Hampshire has people talking. This time it involves a 14-year-old developmentally challenged young man. He was abused relentlessly by his peers and it reached a point where these abusers decided to give him a tattoo on his buttocks. The price? They would stop abusing him if he got it but again he really had no choice as it happened against his will. Of course, they continued to abuse him further. Now, after the fact, the news is out and everyone is in an uproar. People are sad and wondering why it went this far? Why do you think it went this far? Because once again, the adults turned a blind eye to this abuse and here are the results. The bullies now face criminal charges. At lease a come-uppance is being given where in most cases the bullies skate and are rewarded in some way.

When is America going to wake up? Why are we still doing nothing? This is a disabled child here and we all know tattoos are not removable. I bet I can tell you what happened at the school before this child was tattooed. The bullies went after him and he tried to get help. He was told to ignore it and learn how to joke around with others. He told his parents who went to the school and nothing was done. So, the bullies gave him the tattoo and after the fact everyone started to do something. Why do we wait until after the fact? Intervention should be key here, not waiting around for something to happen. I blame the adults in all of this. They could have stopped this early on but did nothing. This problem is growing worse, not better and its time to step and do something. I hope while the bullies are incarcerated that they seek the help they really need. Extensive therapy and behavior modification. This behavior is pathological and if not curbed now, they will grow up into full blown criminals. Please, step in and step up! Speak out and do something before its too late. Our children deserve that!

The Celebrity Apprentice has no Bullies? Say what?

The Celebrity Apprentice has returned for 2010 and we have seen many leave since its season premiere on March 14 on NBC. Each episode has given us two hours of celebrities from Darryl Strawberry to Carol Leifer working to raise money for their chosen charities. There seems to be one exception this season and that is that a bully does not appear to be in the bunch. In past seasons, there has always been one or two in the bunch that constantly harped on team members, threw others under the bus, kept division amongst the group and the dirty laundry goes on and on. However, this season, I have seen several personality conflicts but not a full blown bully. Is The Donald getting educated on this serious and underappreciated problem we have in our society?

The latest episode is a perfect example. In the previous episode in the boardroom, both Sharon Osbourne and Maria Kanellis stated that Curtis Stone was “smug” they and did not care for him. Holly Robinson Peete and Cyndi Lauper still battled their differences. So, after this The Donald insisted that the former two ladies work with Curtis and moved Bret Michaels over to the team with the latter two ladies. All were not happy yet they came together. Holly and Cyndi, who have had differences in the past came together this episode and went “shopping and were getting married.” At the end both Maria and Sharon developed a new found admiration for Curtis. Sharon stated that she wanted him to marry one of her daughters so he could come over and make her dinner at Christmas. It was impressive to see people put aside differences and decide to work together. Of course Cyndi was angry when she was fired which was understandable. It was her decorated room that was so impressive. During the boardroom, she and Holly did go after each other. However, they were also encouraged in doing so by Trump. Bret Michaels sat quietly and for the most part, had a very hard time deciding who he felt should be fired. Nobody really deserved to be fired as all did well but those are the rules.

Personality differences are everywhere and are a fact of life. When people are different they will express frustration about the other as some of these did in the sidebars. Yes, Cyndi was hard to manage. Cyndi is also a highly creative individual who probably has never worked in an office setting a day in her life. However, she pulled together and worked with others and they still had nice things to say about her. Holly is very serious and organized. Some people are wired that way as well. Sharon admitted that her behavior has been bad in the past and apologized for it. Folks, these are not the minds of workplace bullies. I did not see any bus throwing, manipulating or intentional bad mouthing of anyone. Sure, they got on each others nerves but with little sleep and hard work, anyone in those shoes would be cranky at the end of the day. However, these traits are not what make an adult bully. Its as if this season of celebrities were living in Utopia for the most part. I was beginning to wonder if this was American television I was watching.

Kudos to Mark Burnett, Donald Trump and the gang at The Celebrity Apprentice. Its refreshing to just sit down, watch the interaction amongst team members and despite differences people still having some respect for one another. I hope future seasons bring much of the same thing.

It's Blog Jog Day!

Greetings! Its Blog Jog Day and glad you are here! Also, its Mothers Day and a special shout out to all Moms out there! May your day be special and full of fun!

You can learn more about this fantabulous day by visiting the Blog Jog Day Blog. Also, check out this other great blog Daily Grace as well.

Have fun and again, Happy Mothers Day!

Take Care,
Elizabeth

Are you stressed and overwhelmed? You need to do this today!

Dear Reader,

I found an amazing book that will help all of you who are over-worked, overwhelmed, running on empty, with little time for yourselves. It's called "Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others" and it’s written by my friend Hueina Su who is an internationally recognized speaker and expert in helping people find the missing peace & balance in their stressful lives.

Our world is fast-paced and loaded with a tremendous volume of competing priorities and responsibilities. The need to center ourselves, catch our breath and release the stress is probably more crucial than ever. How are we to accomplish this when we are faced with the overwhelming need to make a difference in others? Hueina’s book comes at the perfect timing. Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul is a definitely gentle loving breeze with a clear and strong message effortlessly delivered. As I read her ideas, told in a wonderful story-telling style, it was easy to reinforce the truth that has motivated this book: caretakers need to take care of themselves.


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A fourth generation medical professional, Hueina was born a nurturer. Raised in a culture where self-sacrifice was not only expected but encouraged, she understood at a very young age that balance would be pivotal in realizing the depth of happiness she really desired for herself.

Through her 20+ years of experience in nursing, counseling, coaching, and being a mom of two, she experienced and observed the demands and stress of being responsible for someone else’s daily care whether it’s caring for a normal family or caring for someone who is ill or disabled. She recognized that care-taking is as rewarding as it is exhausting, but far too often we sacrifice our own well-being and happiness because nobody ever showed us how to manage it all.

The consequences of neglecting your self-care could be detrimental, not only to your physical & emotional health, but also to your work, business bottom lines and your relationships. Chronic stress is linked to all major illnesses including heart attack, stroke, hypertension, diabetes and cancer.

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With amazing insights into all aspects of what it truly means to be both caretaker and nurturer, Hueina Su presents personal stories, practical tools and tips that are universal in their application and great for professional healthcare workers, therapists, social workers, teachers, family caregivers, moms, and anyone who is caring for others. The need for this information is far more urgent than most could ever realize.


Join Hueina as she explores in depth caretaking concerns such as:

* Recognizing Self-Care Deficiency Syndrome and what to do about it
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This is more than a book! The self-coaching sessions following every section offer personalized action steps and build a solid foundation for a new understanding and level of caregiving. This is a book you'll want to keep as a reference and go back to again and again.

While we all know it's important to take care of ourselves, most of us don't always practice what we believe to be true. We need help and we need it in a way that is easy for us to use. Just read one small but potent piece to know why you will remember what Hueina tells us.

" Intensive Self-Care is NOT being selfish and it's
NOT a luxury, but rather an essential practice
for your survival and overall well-being."

It resonates with our souls. That simple, pure, loving statement brings me a sigh of relief. It is okay to re-prioritize, and for that and more I have gleaned as I read. I know that she has clearly embarked on a path to help us all continue our paths as healers while caring for ourselves -- the perfect mixture for a successful life.

This is a must read for anyone who is taking care of others and needs some tender loving care for themselves. Get this amazing book for yourself and anyone you care TODAY. It's terrific, timely and pertinent to most of our lives -- preventing and eliminating stress & burnout! And, remember, Hueina will be there for you when the time comes!


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Take Care,
Elizabeth Bennett


P.S. Don't forget to buy Intensive Care for the Nurturer's Soul on APRIL 22. You will receive dozens of bonus gifts from leading experts.
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P.P.S. If you have ever felt stressed, overwhelmed, running on empty, no time for you, or feeling selfish & guilty about taking time for yourself, then this book is a must read for YOU!! This book will make a PERFECT Mother's Day gift too!!


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The Sociopaths and Phoebe Prince

Phoebe Prince continues to make headlines after her recent death as a result of the relentless abuse by her peers at South Hadley High School. This story has opened a lot of floodgates with parents and alumni of South Hadley High School expressing internalized anger as they never stepped in to stop this abuse or any other abuse which has occurred in the past on their campus. A Task Force is now formed to keep an eye on things. Also, two students have been expelled and criminal charges could be pending. As this became a cyber issue on Facebook, many still taunted Phoebe before and after her death on a Memorial Page made in honor of Phoebe. These individuals who posted slanderous remarks may also be facing criminal charges. Bystanders at school and online turned a blind eye to the problem and did nothing to stop it. Now, after the fact, all of this has pushed Massachusetts to finally get an Anti-bullying Law on the books. It took something so horrific as this for them to finally move to action.

Phoebe had moved from Ireland to Massachusetts with her family and enrolled at South Hadley High School as a Freshman for the 2009-2010 school year. She started dating a Senior boy from the football team. This enraged a group of students who felt she needed a “reality check” or a “come-uppance” for thinking she could date this young man and not suffer in the process. So, they proceeded to make her life miserable in school and through technology. This moved to Facebook where they continued spreading their ilk for the whole world to read. As any victim of this form of abuse, Phoebe snapped and took matters into her own hands. She came home, went up to her room and hung herself. Her 12 year old sister found was the one to find her after she died. Wow, what a way to welcome a new student not only to a new school but a whole new country.

Expulsion is a form of punishment. However. One has to wonder if this is punishment enough or will this even affect these bullies? Studying this case and the behavior of these bullies, I honestly believe these individuals are full blown sociopaths. I have gone over the psychological makeup of a sociopath and these bullies fit the behavior to a tea. For starters, one student bragged about “fooling investigators” after she was questioned on her involvement in Phoebes death. The fact that while Phoebe was alive, they constantly taunted her at school and at home. They threw trash at her regularly. If that was not enough, they went to Facebook and spread more venom. After she died, they came back to Facebook and delighted in her death. There was no remorse or regret on their part. Folks, this behavior is scary! What these bullies need is extensive psychotherapy, not expulsion. Someone needs to be reaching these bullies on a psychological level so they do not commit this sort of damage towards another individual. Expulsion will not affect these bullies at all and I fear nothing will be learned as a result.

Again, it is so important for bystanders to step in and speak up. If this happens in school, please tell someone. When going online and seeing these so called “pages” attacking others, report them to the website! These websites have options where behavior such as this can be reported. Phoebe may still be alive if someone had stepped in and stood up to these abusers. This was a young, pretty girl in the dawn of life. If putting oneself in the others shoes, they may see that it is not so fun being a victim of such abuse and yes, can happen to anyone.

Cafe Vamp and the Bullies

Peer Abuse at work continues to be an underappreciated issue in our nation as we continue to enable this problem in our companies and organizations. However, things “down under” seem to be taking a more serious look at this problem.

A recent court decision in Hawthorn, Australia ordered a company, Café Vamp, to pay $335,000 in fines which resulted in an employee committing suicide over the abuse she was receiving at work by her peers. Four workers pled guilty to not taking reasonable care of its employees and failing to provide a safe working environment. A fine was also issued of $220,000 and the cost would have doubled if the defendants had not pled guilty to their behavior. A report conducted by the Productivity Commission estimated that this abusive behavior costs Australia itself $10 billion a year and costs to the economy of about $14.8 billion a year. Wow, that’s a lot of money. So much emphasis is placed upon physical hazards and not nearly enough is placed upon psychological hazards. However, it appears as if the tide is turning in Australia.

Now, we need to start following their lead. As adults, we should know better yet we don’t. We continue to feed into this behavior and nothing is ever done to remedy the problem. When this behavior is allowed, the victims start to suffer from stress, anxiety and depression and it costs a company a lot of money. Not to mention the many absences that are a result of this problem. In America, we have hit an economic low and cannot afford to loose money. We also focus on the physical issues such as environmental control and safety on the job. Organizations exist where they come in, monitor these problems and if action is needed it is taken. Why are we not paying attention to these psychological problems that also exist? If action was taken immediately on a bully at work, I can bet that money would be saved and employees would be working to their potential. A person cannot focus on the job with this negativity in the company.

America, wake up and smell the reality! Take a lesson from Australia! If we were to start imposing these fines on the companies in our nation, I bet this problem would decrease dramatically. Employees, stop feeding these bullies at work. They are capable of anything and by siding with them, it will not make your life easier. Stand up to them and put them in their places. At the end of the day, people just want to go to work, do their jobs and go home. Why increase the stress? If anything, increase the peace! It sure would make a workday a lot easier for everyone. I’m just saying.

Elizabeth Bennett is the Social Justice Guru seeking social justice for all. She is also the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective” along with the e-book “Child Safety Online: Top Tips to Protect your Child from Internet Predators.” Please visit Peer Abuse Know More! To learn more.

Cranky Cathy and her Workplace Abuse

Another week and another blog. This time I am focusing upon the constant crank in the workplace. You know, the one that complains about everyone and everything? Nobody can do anything better than her? She zeroes in on every little move made by someone in the office? This is not just having a bad day but a way of life with Cranky Cathy. It never stops and someone is always in her cross fire. Well, except for her little “buddies” that she befriends and enlists in her chronic drama. Sometimes, people just ignore or avoid her and only communicate with them if need be. Or, others may clamor to be a part of her “posse” and will do what they can to be a part of the inner circle. They may do nice things like bring her cookies or let her borrow something in hopes of never becoming their target at work. Oh, they are aware that these Cranky Cathy behaves like a child but everyone seems to be drawn to her out of fear. There is that charisma she projects that draws these people in despite her nasty behavior. Sometimes, her games and foolishness becomes to much and targets or bystanders erupt or verbally attack her. Whala! Cranky Cathy now has another reason to target someone. The cycle continues as people are hired, fired or leave the job and new people come to the office. Cranky Cathy can always find potential recruits and new targets. What is really sad is that over half the time, Cathy is not even the boss but an office contemporary. The boss is generally being charmed by Cathy. Trust me, she knows how to work an office as she probably worked the playground at school.

This cycle is a very unhealthy one and exists in most workplace environments today. It is not productive and companies loose money because of this. Who can go to work and focus on their job with people around them bothering and harassing them? Cranky Cathy never lets up and is always mad about something and she has her targets and allies in place. Why do people enable her behavior? One reason is out of fear for becoming her target themselves. They see others flocking to her out of their own fear and get caught up in her garbage. Oh, everyone knows her behavior is wrong and tiring yet nobody is interested in doing anything about it so they keep up with their dysfunction allowing Cathy to dictate the social setting at work.

Folks, its important to stand up to Cranky Cathy. From the get go, let her know that you have no interest in what Joe said to Sally and how Sally screwed up a tally sheet or did not perform to Cathy’s standards. Also, you cannot sit around and gossip with her but keep your focus on the work at hand. Do not try to befriend her or spend any amount of time with you. Yes, it is scary to stand up to Cranky Cathy but let people know from the beginning that you have no time for office politics. Chances are, these colleagues hold the same opinion but have been afraid to speak up. It may take that one voice to open up and stand up to her. Eventually, she will wear people down with her antics and they will move away from her. She will loose her charm as bit by bit as she runs people off with her behavior. A bully standing alone cannot create so much drama as their power is taken away. Do not do anything that can cause her to gain power and use it to abuse everyone. If you must communicate with her, do so in a calm and professional manner. Most importantly, know that she is the one at fault and the one with the problem. She is good at twisting events to her favor and will try and make you feel like the unstable and nutty one at work. Remain calm at all times. If you must get emotional, please do so in the privacy of a bathroom or go out to the car for something. Do not let Cranky Cathy see your pain. She thrives on pain and drama and will only use this to create more at work.

Again, we all have bad days. Things do not always go right, we may not have made a deadline or just cannot seem to do anything right on those particular days. Its normal and a part of life. However, it becomes an issue when it is chronic and daily by one particular person. Know that their behavior is wrong and not the other way around. Do what you can to keep the environment a good and healthy one. There is enough stress in this world so why add to it? Certainly something to think about.

Elizabeth Bennett is the Social Justice Guru seeking social justice for all. She is also the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective” along with the e-book “Child Safety Online: Top Tips to Protect your Child from Internet Predators.” Please visit Peer Abuse Know More! To learn more.

Bystanders are Crucial

This world is one that grows more and more vicious everyday. The term dog eat dog is probably considered a form of good behavior now. Everyday we watch and listen to someone somewhere sabotage someone else. For the most part, we walk on by and ignore it or we participate and not in the right way.

Bystanders are probably the most crucial group in the bully, bullied and bystander family. One such group is the Olweus program which originated out of Norway. In 2003, it became a federal program in the US and one that is beneficial in educating the bystander and how to deal with the bully and bullied. In a recent article in the New York Times, Dr. Perry Klass discusses how pediatricians are becoming more aware and educated on the realities of this problem. Also, he discussed Olweus and the importance of the bystander. He stated that the bystander could change the whole scenario by speaking up and speaking out. Instead of enabling this problem, they try to help the victim as Olweus instructs schools to do.

All 3 parties really could use the help, not just the bystander. If bystanders do their part, it can certainly shake things up and change the social dynamic. Also, it can make others better aware of who the actual bully is. But what about the bully and the bullied? The bully is the one who really needs the help. I say this because it is the bully who brings the aggression to the situation. For someone to instigate these problems, they are being hurt or are in some danger themselves as this is a learned behavior. They need to be investigated and if legal action needs to be taken then take it. Bullies also could benefit from therapy and the earlier the better. Yes, the bullied needs help after the bully has left an impact on them. Bystanders could use help and to be taught that following the bully makes things worse for everyone. The bottom line is education and becoming aware of this problem itself before trying to solve it.

Bystanders, please speak up! If you see any abuse occurring either at school or work, speak up! Do not participate in any of it. Help put a stop to the problem so it does not grow into something bigger. One day a bully can be your friend. However, the next day he can turn on you and you could be the bullied instead of the bystander. Its something to really think about.

Elizabeth Bennett is the Social Justice Guru seeking social justice for all. She is also the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective” along with the e-book “Child Safety Online: Top Tips to Protect your Child from Internet Predators.” Please visit Peer Abuse Know More! To learn more.

Looks are not everything ya know!

Well, I come back from the holidays and what do I find? A link that someone in the Anti-bullying Community has shared on Twitter and was disgusted by what it contained. I took a glance myself and wanted to be ill. What kind of society do we live in where people sink to this particular level? What is more disgusting is that this site has gone global!

There is a dating site online that only accepts people who are beautiful or the powers that be feel are physically beautiful. This site has a strict ban on ugly people and has axed over 5,000 members because they gained weight over the holiday season. It is elite based and feel that those who do not meet the criteria are a threat to the site. Members must be voted in by current members and if they become unattractive or what is considered unattractive by other members then they are removed from their “club”. The company admits to being elitist, that they are not politically correct and want to be “honest” and that the members back this up completely.

Folks, this is without a doubt a form of bullying and relational aggression. People are accepted based on looks and they are excluded if they do not meet the criteria. Forget politically correct, what about having good manners and genuine care for another human being? By setting this criteria and not allowing others to join them, they show nothing but shallow behavior and no concern for others in my opinion. It also sends a message that in order to be accepted that one MUST look a certain way. I am all for taking care of ones appearance, however, this site is not about doing so. Its about shallowness and exclusion if you ask me. It “drops” members as a result. What ever happened to values? Love for fellow man? Have we as a society gone so low as to behave in this manner?

Please, love people for who they are and not what they look like. Beauty comes in many different forms and not all of them are physical. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but exists on the inside of a person just as much as the outside. Something to think about here.

Elizabeth Bennett is the Social Justice Guru seeking social justice for all. She is also the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective” along with the e-book “Child Safety Online: Top Tips to Protect your Child from Internet Predators.” Please visit Peer Abuse Know More! To learn more.

MTV and A Thin Line conquer Sexting

The music network, MTV, has always been a network that is popular for teens. As a member of the “MTV Generation” I remember the days of watching music videos with my friends and squealing over the different artists that would appear on the screen with the latest tunes. As the years have progressed, so has MTV as they have added more than just videos to their agenda. They now have different types of programming, celebrity news, clothing and different campaigns such as Rock the Vote which was geared towards teens and politics.

The latest addition to their lineup has been a campaign for teens called A Thin Line. This is a campaign to educate teens on how their digital behavior can have disastrous affects. Not only will this involve combating sexting but they plan to create Public service announcements and show an episode about this on its True Life series. MTV commissioned a study involving 1,200 youngsters ages 14-24 asking how they behaved in the digital age. At least 50% admitted to being targets of this abuse while 30% stated that they had sent sexually explicit photos of themselves to others via text or online. When the problem was explored further, those who have been targeted are more likely to engage in sexual activity, drink, use drugs, smoke and get involved with criminal activity. This is criminal activity if you ask me!

MTV is doing a great thing here. Many times, kids do not think of the consequences of what they do. It is so important to raise the awareness of this problem so our children will remain safe out there. This is something that is considered “hot” amongst teens and many will do it believing nobody will see these photos but the recipient. However, recipients cannot always be trusted and eventually, these photos can wind up online costing someone a job down the line and ruining their reputation. Also, it can become an issue of distributing child pornography. In this digital age, nobody is safe and privacy has become non existent. As MTV is still popular with youths, having this campaign will be a great way of educating and raising awareness of this problem.

This sexting problem has not been an issue for long but it is rapidly growing. Parents and other adults need to educate themselves on this problem and talk to their children about this. At the end of the day, don’t we all deserve to be safe?

Bullies at Work

Well, after the Thanksgiving weekend I came back to a lot of stuff to catch up on. One article just stood out and could not let go of it. It was written in Canada but can assure you that this problem is alive and well in America. Adults should know better and grow up, learn to leave this garbage at the door. However, from experience and the feedback I get daily, I can assure you that childhood bullies grow worse and exist in the office as well.

In the article, I read of a woman working in an office who was asked to do some photocopying by her boss which went beyond her job description. While doing this she reached to answer the phone and the paper got jammed in the machine. Instead of reaching to help, the boss snarled “I thought you claimed to be an Administrative Assistant.” Since that incident, she has endured nitpicking, embarrassment and verbal abuse from this boss. As a result, her self esteem plummeted, she developed anxiety, felt incompetent and this filtered into her way of life. A co-worker even stated that they did not like it when the woman was bullied but did not know how to deal with the psychological abuse this boss was inflicting in the office.

Folks, who needs this? Again, let me ask you: Who NEEDS this on a daily basis? These bullies at work will pick up on one mistake and run with it. Someone will do something wrong and they never let it go! If it is the boss that is one thing. However, there are people who are not even in positions of authority and they still pull these stunts. They zone in one person and constantly focus on them. The complaining starts and it becomes contagious. Every little thing the other person does gets magnified and dissected redundantly. It gets to a point where the target cannot even come to work without receiving nasty notes in their box, an email or some nasty remark from either the bully or one of her little helpers. Its no wonder a person looses self-esteem, becomes anxious, stressed and eventually develops depression. Who can work and affectively like that?

Please, if this is happening to you, please document the date, time and what happened. Keep a log of this. If others are seeing this occur in the office, talk to them and ask them to document. That is if you know you can trust them. Check your code of conduct that is outlined in your workplace handbook or if something is hanging on the wall in the office. Do not let one person keep an office in an uproar. Also, for goodness sakes DON’T try to be accepted by the bully. Do you think he cares about you and it will make your job any easier? Most importantly, build up a support system outside of the office where they can be sounding boards. Do not keep all of this inside and to yourself. That only makes it worse for you. Most importantly, do not confront the bully on their behavior. They are looking for drama and games and will use anything you say to them against you. For them, this is about power, control and staying on top. I know the articles states that you should contact them early on but I disagree. They have found a target in you and will do anything they can to keep problems going. Their goal is to get you out of the organization. You are either a threat to them or maybe receive more pay than them. Anyone in your position will get heat from this person.

If you see this at your job, do what you can to help the one being targeted. Nobody needs this abuse and it is nothing more than abuse. Not only do the employees suffer when this is occurring but so does productivity and people are not working to their full potential. I think at the end of the day, we all just want to work, do our job and go home. There is enough stress in the world so why add to it? Something to think about.

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Facebook nips the Bullies

Yesterday kicked off Anti-bullying Week and it goes from November 16-20 2009. One thing that is really being focused upon is the problem of cyber-bullying. As we all know, this is a problem that is out of control and at some point, someone needs to put a stop to it. The problem is a huge one on social sites like My Space, Facebook, Twitter, Bebo and others where kids can go and interact with their friends as well as adults. . Facebook has decided to take some preventative measures and has launched some safety tips in support of Anti-bullying Week.

I have been a strong advocate of Facebook for a long time. It is designed to keep its members safe for starters. The profiles are set up where one must add a person to their friends list in order for their full profile to be seen by the other user. Users can also set their profile to private which allows only those on their friends list to know that they are members of the site. It is a great place to post photos and organize them so others can view and comment on them. Members on there range from 14-104 and many parents have their children added to their list of friends. That can make it hard for a teen to cyber-bully or add anyone that is questionable to their list of friends. Not to mention it is a great place to network with other professionals and invites and groups can be created to help in the networking process. It has become a site that is family friendly and is why many flock there to communicate.

Facebook has left some helpful comments that I back up completely. I wanted to list and expand on them from what has already been listed.

1. Only accept friends you know: Many times, people who do business on Facebook will add strangers to their lists because they are interested in networking. If this is the case, do not put up personal photos or give a lot of personal information. Also, if one is underage, they do not need to be adding adults that they do not know. As for adults, they do not need to be adding anyone under 18 years of age. Again, some of these teens have parents on their lists and you do not want to be accused of subjecting something that could be considered inappropriate to their children who are underage. Teens please add other teens you already know and if you do add adults, make sure you know them. Adults, please stick to other adults on the site. Unless you know the teen, you really do not need to be interacting with them.

2. Stop abusive behavior: Please, if someone is abusing you on the site, take that person and block them. The block feature is excellent as once you block a person, it is as if they do not exist at all. They cannot see you, what you are doing, who is on your friend list or anything else. People come to the site for various reasons and I am sure nobody wishes to come and engage in any flame wars or useless drama. Block the bully!

3. Report trouble directly to Facebook: Again, Facebook is taking this problem very seriously and if you are encountering a bully on the site, let Facebook know. Show them what has been sent to you and posted on your profile. You can cut and paste it and save it on your computer. They have people who work to investigate and stop this behavior. Get others to report on your behalf as well.

4. Keep your information private: Again, if you do not want anyone to know something about you, the last place it belongs is on Facebook or any other place online. Use good and safe judgment here. Share limited information about yourself. Also, keep your status updates reasonable. What I mean is that not everyone is interested in what you ate for lunch, if you went to the store or how many times you went to the bathroom. Do not post anything that could tip off where you are located. Facebook has a settings area where you can set you level of privacy on the site.

5. Do not react to bullies: block, report or delete them. Again, do not engage with them in petty arguments. Once you flame right back at them you are no longer in a situation where you are being abused. It has then become a full blown flame war between two people. Bullies want you to react and waste your time indulging them with drama. They live for this behavior. If someone is posting gossip or spreading rumors then please save the information they have posted and get others to help you collect it. Send it to Facebook when you report them. Block and delete them from your list. Facebook calls the shots on the site and therefore, its better that you allow them to take control of the situation. Building alliances, flaming each other back and forth is no longer a bullying scenario but again, it’s a full blown conflict between two parties. Let them create the trouble alone and that way, they become responsible for their actions. Plus, it becomes easier for Facebook to see who they real bully is.

Again, it is great to see Anti-bullying Week in full force. Social sites are full of this behavior and it is refreshing to see one that takes this problem seriously. Again, I back Facebook up 100% and the fact that they take this cyber-bullying seriously gives me greater confidence in them. At the end of the day, people just want to go to Facebook and do what they need to do without any hassles. We all deserve a safe online experience.

Dallas Divas and the Mean Girls

Wow! Another reality show and one that we get to see mother/daughter duos in action. This show Dallas Divas and Daughters airs every Sunday evening at 8pm EST on the Style Network. During this half-hour, we get a glimpse into the lives of five sets of mothers/daughters who live in Dallas, Texas and are considered members of Dallas high society. There has been a polo match, joint birthday party, fashion shows, preparations for the Debutante ball, lunch dates, shopping and many other excursions in the Lone Star State. I have to say that these ladies live some exciting lives. Even though I do not know these people, never met them and can hardly judge them, I can certainly comment on what I have seen on the show thus far.

This show is full of relational aggression and mean girl behavior. For starters, we have a group of five mothers where two of them do not get along. The catty comments they mutter under their breaths towards one another is pretty pathetic. These are not teen girls here but middle age women! One of them has stated it is “fun” to get under the skin of the other. We get to see them attack each other at the graduation party of one of the girls in the group. Then the other catty mother is having a birthday party which is shared with another lady in the group and we learn that the other mother/daughter team is not invited over silly reasons like being late. Sure, being late is rude, I agree but this appeared to be done in a mean spirited fashion on the birthday mothers part. Right there, we have the issue of exclusion. All she had to do was gently remind this woman to be on time. The uninvited mother made a comment that they were adults and this was high school and mean girl behavior. Yes, this looks really stupid in a group of middle age women. It was two of the women who had the birthday party yet one seemed to dominate the spotlight. If that is not bad enough, one mother puts down the daughter of the other mother when she is getting her debutante photos made.

The daughters are catty too. We see two of the girls who are in competition with one another. They are debutantes together, worked at a fashion show together and we see them try and one up each other every time. One girl got four tickets to see a band and it excluded two of the six in the group after promising everyone that they could come. Instead of picking in a fair manner like drawing names, we see the girl pick her three to go and they rub this in to the other girls who did not get picked. Then, we have a 17 year old who has stated that she will bully her mother until she gives in and gets her a Range Rover for her upcoming birthday. At this graduation party, the mother throwing the party had a specialized portrait of herself made for her daughter to carry to college with her. In the interviews, we heard all of the nasty comments from the other mother/daughter teams of the group. One said if her mother gave that to her for graduation she would throw it in her face!

Only one mother/daughter team has managed to stay away from jumping in the catty pool. The daughter is working with her sister to find her mother a boyfriend while we see the mother date. Its refreshing to see at least one team on there not to behave like they are entitled or behave in a rude manner to the others in the group. Sadly, we do not see much of this pair on there.

Folks, this is nothing but exclusion, backstabbing, put downs, silly competition and entitlement of a group of women and daughters. How can we expect these girls to stop their own mean girl behavior if their own mothers participate in this? I have been saying all along that Peer Abuse is an adult problem and am seeing it now more than ever on this show. Why can’t the two women who do not get along put their differences aside and try to get along? Why couldn’t the girl with the tickets have picked her guests in a fair manner? What sort of example is this setting for the daughters? One daughter admitted to bullying her mother! Please, do not use this as a model for your own children. Teach them good values and to treat others as they wish to be treated. At the end of the day, aren’t we better off having a friend rather than a foe? Or a frenemy for that matter?

Zero Tolerance needs Flexibility

As I was watching the local news last evening, I happened to see a segment on the issue of zero tolerance on there. Basically, local school districts were giving their policies and procedures as to how they handle this problem within their schools. The parents were complaining that zero tolerance was too strict and needed to be handled on a case to case basis. Schools have implemented this policy for quite some time in order to cut down on criminal behavior, catch the bullying going on and to basically keep weapons off campus so school will be safe for all students.
Recently, a kindergarten child was suspended for bringing a camping utensil to school. Another case happened when a first grader brought a knife to school. There was an incident in this nation where a 3rd grade child brought a kitchen knife from home to school. Why? A 5th grade bully threatened to rape him the next day. So, it was brought for protection. True, there are some who have brought weapons to school to start a fight or to do harm to others. It is important that we catch those who are planning to do harm to others in some way.

Lets face it; zero tolerance is too strict. It needs to be handled on a case by case basis. Gangs who bring weapons to school to hurt others should be suspended or expelled. Same with anyone who brings a weapon to do any harm to another person. However, what is a five year old going to know about a camping utensil? I highly doubt this child has threatened another in some way. Also, many bullied kids bring weapons as a way to protect themselves. When a school does not listen and the child is continually abused on a daily basis, he/she begins to feel helpless and looks for a way for protection. Its not going to come from peers or the school so they bring a weapon to school. The student gets caught and gets expelled for having the weapon while the bully walks without any punishment. After all, zero tolerance is zero tolerance.

Folks, the concept is not a bad one. Its just that in cases of Peer Abuse and the B word, the wrong kids are being caught and punished. In doing so, it reinforces the kid who is being abused that their rights, feelings or self as a whole is not nearly as valued as that of the bully. We all know life is not fair. However, must we continue to reinforce this to these kids already in pain? We all have rights in this nation, lets not ever forget that.

Sexting at Degrassi

This past Friday, an episode of Degrassi The next Generation aired an episode entitled “Shoot to Thrill”. This episode involved a girl named Ali and her boyfriend Johnny. Ali took some pictures of Johnny and a stuffed animal promising never to share them with anyone. As the episode went on, we saw how poorly Johnny treated Ali in their relationship. Instead of breaking up with him, she took it up a notch and decided to take nude pictures of herself and send them to Johnny on his cell phone. Needless to say, this went badly. Ali had posted one of the pictures of Johnny and the stuffed animal on the school wall which resulted in Johnny sending one of the sexting pictures to his friend Bruce. Mr. Simpson, one of the teachers had the displeasure of seeing the picture and sent Bruce and Ali to the office. The principal had a stern talk with Ali about the dangers of sexting and an organization called That’s Not Cool gave a PSA on the dangers of sexting and is a great resource for anyone dealing with abuse through technology.

Sexting has recently become an issue amongst teens and even adults. Teens have been known to take these sexual photos and send to one another. What is troubling is that these texts find their way online by cyber bullies or other abusers in relationships. This occurs when there is a break-up or just as form of blackmail. The thing that is not considered is that once these photos are sent around, they are out there in cyber land for everyone to see. The chances of them disappearing are slim to none. Situations such as this can follow the teen into adulthood and cost them jobs and other problems along the line.

Folks, talk to your children about sexting and the dangers of it. This is also a form of cyber bullying as the photos get passed around to others and are done so in a cruel manner and as a way to hurt the target. This could also result in a criminal record as the ones doing the sending are passing around what appears to be child pornography. Anyone under age taking these photos and sharing them are only adding to the pornography problem, not helping it. Teens do not see these consequences like adults do so its important for them to know this before they attempt it. At the end of the day, we want our children safe. Sexting is the last way to do it.

Big Brother is in the Building

Wow! Another week and another Google Alert. This time, its about having cameras in the classrooms in the United Kingdom. Wonder if this trend will hit up the United States?

A group in the UK called Class watch sets up cameras in classrooms and uses this as a basis for professional development. So far, they have been set up in over 100 schools and used for in class surveillance. They state that this is not an action of Big Brother existing but of trying to help teachers improve their performance in the classroom. Also, it can catch any abuse of peers as well. However, Civil Liberties advocates tend to disagree with this approach and see it as an invasion of the learning environment. Some at the UK Teachers Union feel these clips can be edited to make the teacher out to be the bad guy. Some at the PTA National Headquarters here in the US feel that if a demand comes in, this could be occurring in US schools at some point.

One thing I have to say is I do not agree with an invasion of privacy. As Americans, we do have our right to privacy. However, since the birth of the Internet, haven’t we lost a good bit of this privilege anyway? At the same time, having cameras in various locations has helped to catch criminals. Cameras do exist on some school buses now and in hallways. So, having them installed really should not be a big issue. One thing it would catch is any abuse that peers are giving to each other. A lot of this happens in the classroom and right under a teachers nose yet it goes undetected. This form of abuse is hard to prove because 99% of it is done away from authority. It sure would help in catching a lot of what is occurring and what parents and students bring to the attention of school personnel. The biggest problem I see is when school personnel will take these and edit them or conveniently loose them. I know that has happened in the past.
As for Big Brother, he has been hanging around for a long time. He has not entered our homes as of yet but he sure is out there in public places. I doubt he is planning to leave the building anytime soon.

Arnie breaks the Bullies

Well, another week and more news on the Peer Abuse front. This week, its great news and involves someone finally taking a group of bullies by the horns.

In California, there is a serious problem with the paparazzi who try and do what they can to get photos of celebrities without their consent. When I say anything I mean anything! As a result, they become a danger not only to these celebrities but the public in general. All sorts of laws are broken when they are out and about stalking their prey. Recently, Nicole Richie and Madonna were both in accidents as a result of the paparazzi. The late Farrah Fawcett could not even go to the hospital for chemo treatments without them stalking and harassing her. The paparazzi have become nothing more than a danger to themselves and those around them and its high time they were reigned in.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed an anti-paparazzi bill into law yesterday which now states that celebrities can take legal action towards paparazzi and media outlets when photos are used illegally. This was amended to a law that gave fines when these items were used improperly. The Paparazzi Reform Initiative sponsored this bill. This law will not be used to completely shut down media outlets and other means of reporting. It was formed to try and reign in the behavior the paparazzi uses in obtaining information on celebrities. To try and prevent not only celebrities from being hurt but the public as a whole. Ethically, many boundaries and rights promised to all citizens of this nation have been violated and its high time to bring these back into practice. Respect our fellow man and what is promised to all of us as citizens and as human beings.

Thank you Governor Schwarzenegger for signing this into law. As I have mentioned in the past, this is a form of Peer Abuse and these paparazzi have done nothing but bully these celebrities. They violated laws and endangered others. Now, driving down Wilshire Blvd. or anywhere else in Los Angeles will be safer for everyone. People can relax and I know these celebrities feel better knowing further legal action can be taken. At the end of the day, aren’t we all entitled to live our lives without the fear of being harassed, stalked or invaded on daily basis?
　

Queen Bee no More

Oh the joy of the fall season on television. New shows popping up and old ones returning. One that has always grabbed my gut is Gossip Girl. Last season was full of backstabbing, game playing and of course, the glorification of the Queen Bee. Well, The CW has graced us with another season and this time, the group of friends are either in college, hitting up the work force or just trying to find themselves. The bottom line is that they are now adults and as adults should be thinking along the line of adult behavior.

Blair Waldorf was the Queen Bee for two seasons. She ruled her “regime” at school, tried to get a teacher fired, played pathetic games with Chuck Bass and basically took her ever so faithful maid Duroda on every ride. Now, Blair is a first semester freshman at NYU and believe it or not, is now dating Chuck Bass. She also lives on campus and is rooming with nemesis Georgina. Blair insisted on living in the dorms so she could grab that crown and reign again. We see her line up girls on her hall while she and Duroda give them little gifts. Ever the expert on NYC, she tries to give tips on the city as an introduction into her new regime. However, all of this seems to backfire. Blair tries to throw a sushi party for everyone and instead they are more interested in eating popcorn and watching videos. Then, Georgina throws a roof party and invites everyone but Blair. Of course Blair comes and tries to use Georgina’s newfound Christianity against her and get everyone to follow her again. Once again, it backfires. It looks as if Blair has been dethroned in her new environment. Wow! A Queen Bee falls and I, for one, am glad to see this.

Gossip Girl gave a great lesson here. A Queen Bee will not remain a Queen Bee all of her life. When we move on from one situation to the next, we meet new people, get into new environments and in many cases, actually grow up. Blair’s goal was to be Queen Bee at NYU and thus far, people are not interested. Where we saw people having educated conversations at the rooftop party, we saw Blair plotting and scheming to be Queen. It was good to see these college students just relaxing and wanting to interact without these pressures. The only glaring exception I saw was Blair who resorted to her high school behavior by being rude to Dan and Vanessa and then trying to sabotage Georgina. I do not like to see anyone be miserable or hurt. In this case, however, I was glad to see some justice served. As for Queen, lets hope there is not a new regime in the works with anyone at NYU.

Queen Bees fall all the time in life. For someone who has been Queen Bee in her environment for a long time, this can be just as detrimental when they enter different phases of life as they get older and fall from grace. As adults, we need to do what we can to stop fostering this behavior and creating these monsters during these developmental years. I honestly believe a Queen Bee falling is just as traumatic as someone who is being abused by their peers. We need to let these girls know that life changes and situations change and that this is not the way things will always be. Life throws curve balls and we all need to know how to handle and survive them and be ready for them. After all, don’t we all deserve to grow up to be healthy and adjusted individuals? Something to think about.

Stop Bullying Rita Allison!

South Carolina is in the news a lot these days. As the story broke earlier in the summer about Governor Mark Sanford and his mistress from Argentina, we seem to have more than our share of national publicity. If the Sanford story is not enough to keep people busy, we now have another story break concerning Sanford. The difference is that this story is not true. I guess some people have too much time on their hands.

Rita Allison is a 69 year old grandmother from South Carolina. She is a member of the House of Representatives and has done a lot of great things for the Palmetto State. Most importantly, she has been happily married for 50 years to the same man. Over the past week, a story broke where someone had sent a letter to those in Allison’s House District stating that she also had an affair with Governor Sanford. Who sent the letter? At this point nobody knows. Allison has gone public with this and stated that this is not true. She has filed a defamation lawsuit against this “John Doe.” Good for her is what I say. Nobody deserves to have their character attacked and it shows she will not be abused by her peers.

This is exactly what adult bullies do. They will take a person and spread lies and gossip about them.. Not to mention they nitpick, harass, attack, demean and try to break that person. Through this they use other people and go to extremes. Chances are that this is someone Allison knows. It could be someone she offended or disagreed with in the past. Of course, Doe is not revealing him or herself but just sending a letter with lies. Why Allison? This is not a woman who goes out of her way to make others miserable so why try and attack her? She believes in having a good heart and doing good things for others around her. What is really sad is what people say on these blogs about her. They make jokes and do other things at her expense. What ever happened to compassion for other people? Trying to help their fellow man and support them in troubled times? These people do not even know Allison yet attack her anyway. Bullies seem to take pleasure in others misery. We can take the attitude that this is all in politics. Or, we can do the right thing and stop believing the lies.

Folks, do not believe everything you read. Bullies are alive and well and regardless of the other person will do what they can to bring their victim down. I can assure you this story is false. As for John Doe, please come forward and stop your abuse. Better yet, get a hobby or do something worthwhile for a change. Try and make the world a better place.