Guest Blogger Allison Gamble

Guest blogger: Allison Gamble is a writer for Psychology Degree. Thank you Allison for sharing this piece.

Psychology of flaming

Beware: the playground bullies of your past have found their way onto the Internet. How many of us have posted on an online community only to notice an aggressive poster attempting to start a war of words between users? Not only do the insulting posts disrupt conversation, it doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that they can be annoying and offensive. The world of flaming and trolling has gained more and more attention in the last few years as the internet has become a bigger part of our lives. Psychologists theorize that there are motives behind these faceless bullies.

Flaming is an aggressive or antagonistic interaction between Internet users, frequently on message boards, blogs, game servers and in chat rooms, and exist mainly to act with hostility and insult other posters. Deliberate flamers are cyber-bullies who enjoy getting a rise out of others by focusing on heated issues like politics and religion, or by personally attacking others. Their main goal is to disrupt the flow of conversation between others and provoke conversation instead about the flame. Trolls are of a similar vein and intentionally practice flaming by writing obvious, insulting, and often off-topic remarks to start a “flame war.” While many people have encountered flaming and trolls, most people are unaware of their motives. What causes an Internet user to want to provoke another user? Who wants to embroil themselves in the middle of an argument? Recent work in psychology has yielded a few theories.

Peter J. Moore and his colleagues have done extensive research on flaming. In Moore's 2010 study "Flaming on YouTube," one of the major findings was that by communicating over the Internet, flamers experience de-individualization and have less of an awareness of people's feelings than they would in a face-to-face interaction. Moore also found that while many flamers deliberately incite problems, flaming is "more often intended to express disagreement or as a response to a perceived offense by others."

Moore and other social psychologists have found that the lack of social cues in online communication can cause uninhibited behavior. Users feel anonymous and believe that they will face no consequences for their words and actions. Without being able to hear a sender's intonation or hints of sarcasm, often times receivers may take a message as insulting, when in fact it was meant to be a joke. This miscommunication can make flaming and trolling appear more rampant than it is, and posts and messages are often taken out of context. Non-verbal cues and facial expressions play an integral role in face-to-face communication, all of which are lost in text.

According to a BBC article, flaming can actually have much simpler causes. Again, due to a lack of non-verbal cues and intonation, many flamers believe that they have been attacked and feel the need to defend themselves. Ranting is another form. While prior to computers when one needed a good rant, the complaints were relegated to diaries, family, and friends, now individuals can use Internet forums to air their grievances. These angry, rambling rants are often times seen as a form of flaming, though they are usually unintentional. Flaming can also come in the form of complaints. When an individual feels that they had poor customer service or a product was not what they expected, they'll sometimes write inflammatory posts in the reviews sections or on message boards. Others, enjoy the challenge and flaming is a way to lure another user into a debate or argument.

Dr. Andrew Campbell wrote in a recent article that certain personality types are drawn to flaming and trolling. Campbell theorizes that people who lack power in face-to-face social situations often find flaming to be an outlet. While in the real world these people may fear criticism and feel awkward, online they can be socially combative with no repercussions. He also found that many flamers and trolls are young teenagers, and that teenagers are testing their boundaries and social skills. Their immaturity is evident in their inflammatory posts.

Whatever the cause, flaming and trolling can put a damper on our Internet experience. While most social psychologists link the phenomenon with anonymity and a lack of social and visual cues, some flamers and trolls are genuinely angry and enjoy instigating others. Try to avoid flamers and trolls by ignoring them, responding with a concise, rational argument or by explaining to the flamer that your comments were taken out of context and you did not mean to insult them. Keep your computer communications stress-free by avoiding those who intentionally try to bait you.

Guest Blogger: Kathleen Hubert

Hi, I have a guest blogger this week. This is Kathleen Hubert. She is here to give her take on what to do to stand against Peer Abuse/Bullying.

Steps to Surviving Peer Abuse/Bullying


When you were young, a bully was someone in school who pushed you around, told mean jokes, or laughed at you. You probably dreaded going to school because of the bully. As you grew older, you developed better coping skills to deal with school bullying. However, bullying still exists for adults. Bullying has evolved from laughing at you on the playground to the attempt of intimidating you in the workplace, social settings, and online networking. You may have been taught to 'walk away' from the bully in school, but how do you survive bullying as an adult?

Steps to Surviving Peer Abuse/Bullying:

1. Don't take it personally.

Whenever someone puts you down, in some form they are trying to make themselves feel better. If you remember that their actions reflect nothing on you, you may be able to cope with the adult bully. As a bully, they will seek ways to really get under your skin. There may be no way to determine their motives or intentions, but if you recognize that their bullying is actually a reflection of their own inner struggle, you can make better choices on how to respond.

2. Respond -- don't react.

If there is a way to avoid one-on-one communication with the bully, it is best to take this route. Most times, nothing is solved by emotionally charged bantering. If you must interact with this person, make sure to do so when other people are around. If other people are around, the bully might stop their negative behavior. Even if the bully doesn't stop the behavior, there will be people around to witness it. If you remain calm and composed while someone publicly bullies you, those around will be able to tell immediately who is at fault. If you react in a bad situation, like talking back, you look just as bad as the bully. However, responding calmly doesn't mean you can't stick up for yourself.

3. Stick up for yourself.

If you must interact with a bully via online communication or in person, set your boundaries. Statements, such as, "I would appreciate it if you would refrain from ______" or "You don't have the right to ______", clarify what you're okay with. Even if this does not stop their actions, your boundaries are clear. Exude confidence when dealing with the bully. Typically, if they see you are not very affected by their actions, they may stop altogether.

4. Surround yourself with positive influences.

Whenever possible, surround yourself with family or friends that genuinely care about you. Stewing on a bully can be harmful to your emotional and psychological well-being. By being around people who respect and care about you, you are often reminded of the treatment you genuinely deserve. You most likely have more people in your life who like you, than those who do not. Keep a good sense of self-worth by behaving and doing things you know you deserve.

5. This too shall pass.

All things change. Change is inevitable. Eventually, you will not have to deal with the bullying anymore. If you remember to not take things personally, respond calmly, stick up for yourself, and surround yourself with positivity, things will change. Either your level of tolerance for the bullying will change, or the bullying will dissipate on its' own. Remain confident and hopeful because everything must change.

As an adult, you can identify bullying tactics, such as: intimidation, false allegations, undermining, distrust and unrealistic expectations. Social networking has created a gateway for people to be victimized by bullying. Social networking sites allow information to become public, connect with users, and sometimes used as means communication. A bully may say inappropriate things online about you, harass you through messaging, or even harassing those you know. When these situations occur in your life, you can handle the stress of peer abuse by remembering these steps.


Kathleen Hubert is a blogger who writes on a variety of different sites. Check out more of her work at href="http://www.ledtv.org/">led tv.


Disclaimer: The views expressed in this blog entry may not necessarily reflect the views of the blog owner.

Will it ever end?

This week has been quite interesting. However, what grabbed my attention and kept it was the recent two part episode of Dr. Phil entitled Bullies Beware. The viewers got to spend the first part with a self-professed bully. The second episode gave us a 13-year-old young man who was abused by peers in elementary school. He became an abuser by middle school. The kid was quite honest; he said he enjoyed the power that came with being an abuser as it was a rush. He even stated that “he was addicted to bullying.” As he is still in the developmental years, there is a good chance he can be reformed without many complications. Heck even his mother was considered a bully. It seemed as if she owned her bad behavior and was willing to reform in that area. The one that got my goat was this self-professed bully on Monday and part of Tuesday.

This woman is 26-years-old and seems quite proud of herself. She is also the epitome of what I consider a hard core bully to be. What I mean by hard core is the organic, true Queen Bee who has followers to do her dirty work. Not a pseudo-bully like we find in the “little workers” of the Queen. I am guessing she went through school manipulating and charming those around her. Let me take a few minutes and list some of her activities:

1. She says people will respect her whether they want to or not. She demands it. (um, controlling much?)

2. When she is in line waiting for gas, she will go up to the car in front of her and tell the owner that they need to move because her car is better than theirs. (Oh, it’s that sense of entitlement speaking out!)

3. Her cousin has Down Syndrome and she makes fun of her. (Okay, your lack of empathy is screaming through here)

4. Handicapped parking should not exist and she parks in these places because she can. (Oh wow, more entitlement here! Does it ever end??)

5. She mishandled a tea cup poodle that belongs to her friend. (Um, those who harm animals usually are those with anti-social personality problems)

6. Oh and the most important tip off. A mother of a child who was abused by his peers confronted her and her behavior. Her response? “See, she is bullying ME!” This is so common of adult bullies. They spin things like this and are good at it.

As an adult survivor, I found her to be disturbing. Her lack of remorse or conscience was evident. Also, the narcissism that radiated through her and that dang sense of entitlement. One thing she did not lack was self-esteem. This woman was so arrogant and full of herself. It was hard to watch her to be honest. Yes, I have encountered this ilk all of my life. Yup, they gave me enough grief to last me 2300 lifetimes and then some. They were so good that they eventually made me believe I was the disgusting piece of crap they kept telling me I was. Well, not any longer. Their dysfunction is evident and it must suck to be them. Who do I blame for people like this? I blame society and their lack of knowledge for so long. As a child, I tried to make adults aware of this behavior in others only to be told I was “too sensitive”. Nobody wanted to put the stops out and hold these people accountable for their ilk. As a result, we have people like this woman in our society and are appalled at how they behave. We shouldn’t be! We created these monsters by not standing up to them and following them wanting to be a part of their world. As for this woman on the show, I do not know if she was a Queen Bee growing up or if she was abused by her peers. However, what I saw on that show was a perfect example of what comes of allowing this problem to fester. Not only do the abused suffer but so do those being abused. In many ways I pity her. I would not think it would be fun to run around without any conscience. I would miss out on really caring about others. Plus, the entitlement would leave me disappointed time and again as I would not always get the red carpet treatment.

Please, we do not need any more children growing up to be like this woman. Talk to your kids about this problem. Bystanders, stand up to these abusers and stop trying to be “wannabees.” Is this what we want for our future? Something to seriously think about here.

Rejoice Adult Survivors! Rejoice!



Today at 12:20pm on Facebook DC, there was a live stream from the Facebook Office in Washington, DC. This was a discussion with a panel on the topic of Bullying, cyberbullying and the schools. Even though nothing was mentioned of the Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse, this meeting was a sense of accomplishment. As a survivor myself, it gave me the clarification and validity that’s so needed when it came to my own experiences growing up and even as an adult with Peer Abuse.


Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes stated something that was easy to resonate with. “Conflict will happen and abuse of any power is inevitable. However, with bullies, they believe they are in the right because the person they are trying to overpower may be of a different race, religion or have any differences from what they believe to be right.” As a survivor, I saw much of this growing up and other survivors I know can vouch for this. We were different in some way and the abuser did not like it. This is also a pattern seen in adults who abuse children, spouses and even peers in the workplace. The question was asked as to why bullies do what they do in the first place? Its simple; they are learning poor social skills, bad role modeling in parents and may I add that for the most part, someone is hurting them somewhere else and they bring their own feelings and put them upon others.

President Obama stated earlier in the day that we all need to be living by the Golden Rule. Think before acting and ask ourselves if we would like someone to hurt us the way we hurt others when we bully them. Many times these abusers do not think and believe what they are doing is wrong. As a result, they put a spin on problems and situations to make themselves look good and others look bad.

Cyberbullying also came up in discussion. It was stated that 86% of parents who are Facebook users add their children as friends. If this is the case, why are there still so many problems with abuse on Facebook? Are parents not watching or paying much attention? Again, this can go back to poor role modeling. This is something that needs to be considered.

As we know the Obama’s do not support this behavior and that it came through a live stream, to me, this is a seal of validation. Survivors who are adults have lived these nightmares firsthand. Learning social skills and in a healthy manner did not happen. We carried a lot of the blame for the behavior of these individuals through they’re projecting or “spinning” situations on us. Many of us are hypersensitive to cyberbullying as adults. As we experienced these things, we were always told to ignore it or that it was a rite of passage. Also, to get mad over something worth getting mad over and this was not worth the heartache and pain. Today, from the White House, we learned differently. The biggest thing was the fact that someone called bullying what it is and that’s abuse. Survivors, our day has come. Our experiences, thoughts and feelings were validated. It was called abuse. To me, this is a step in the right direction.



As seen first on Technorati: http://technorati.com/women/article/adult-survivors-of-peer-abuse-can/

Bullying is Terrorism

The news as of late has been full of stories of bullying in our nation. Several suicides have happened since school started. There have been candlelight vigils and now The Trevor Project has come to life. Celebrities are speaking out against this and sharing their own stories in experiencing the abuse. It’s good to see people speak out against this.


Recently, an article was written asking if bullying is scarier than terrorism. What needs to be asked is if bullying is terrorism? Could the two actually be compared? Both involve constant abuse of another person. Physical and emotional scars are left on the victims for life. Trauma exists in both cases. The only difference I see is that one involves children while the other involves adults. School yard abuse can very well be terrorism on a smaller scale.

People are taking this problem seriously now. However, we must continue to find ways to combat this problem. One thing we need to let go of is relying upon conflict resolution and peer mediation to completely take care of this problem. Yes, it is important to teach children to learn to work through problems and resolve them. However, when dealing with a bully it cannot be done. In mild cases peer mediation can work. At the same time, when dealing with a bully you are dealing with someone who is angry and learning to control those around them. In conflict resolution a person learns to take accountability for their actions. How can you do this with someone who refuses to look at their wrongdoing? Someone who is angry and learning manipulation getting control and what they want? In mild cases this may work but, this is what I believe is leading to a lot of these suicides. Do we try to reason and negotiate with a terrorist? No, of course not because you cannot reason with someone who is angry. Why do we expect these solutions to work with this problem?

If someone is a bully please refer them to a mental health center. There are issues there that normal mediation or resolution will not cure. We want a healthy society and these children are our future. However, sometimes this involves taking steps to ensure the person is healthy. It is certainly something to think about.

Dawn McIntyre and The New 10

I want to introduce Dawn McIntyre who is the author of The New 10. 40 Days to Creating a Boldly Beautiful Life From the Inside Out. Dawn is an Adult Survivor of Peer Abuse. Today I will be asking Dawn some questions and she will share her replies. Thank you Dawn for taking the time to respond to my questions and let’s get started.



1. In your book, you have broken it down into four sections which are beauty, body, spirit and extraordinary lives. Do you find one area to be more important than the other when thinking of the New 10?

They are all equally as important and serve to help us in creating whole and balanced perspectives of ourselves and our lives.

2. Many times in our society we hear people say that they do not worry about what others think of us. Do you find it to be human to worry about what others think of us? To you, is this part of a need to be accepted by others?

I believe that what drives us as humans, to want the approval and acceptance of others, is fear of rejection. And yes, this is a common fear. Still, having suffered this myself, I did experience tremendous freedom when I was able to follow my heart, regardless of the opinions of others. And yes, I have been rejected by many friends as a result BUT I am now surrounded by friends that support me completely in who I am. My book is meant to help others to do the same.

3. It is human to make mistakes. However, it is not good to beat ourselves up when we do make mistakes. How do you think we should handle ourselves when we do make mistakes?

I always say that there are no mistakes, just lessons. The biggest lesson is love. Love of ourselves first and having compassion for our being human and living in a world that is constantly changing, therefore requiring us to change and grow along with it.

4. We have many out there today who are abuse survivors. Do you believe an abuse survivor would benefit from meditation?

Absolutely! Meditation was my saving grace from child and spousal/peer abuse. It allowed the peace and silence to hear the wisdom in my experience and to have the courage and strength to not only heal from it, but also, to help others heal as well.

When we meditate we are encouraging our higher wisdom to come through and guide us. In essence, we are giving our higher wisdom permission to take over and accepting that we cannot do it alone, nor do we have to do it alone.

5. Rejection is hard for everyone. How do you think it is best to handle rejection by a friend?

I was saddened by the rejection of many friends as an adult but I knew in my heart that as much as I would miss them, if they were not able to love and accept me as I am then they weren't truly friends at all.
As long as we hang on to friendships, out of fear of rejection, we are blocking the opportunity to allow healthy and sustaining friendships to enter our lives.

6. Do you believe random acts of kindness goes a long way when we are good to ourselves or ourselves along with others?

Yes, very much so. What we give comes back to us tenfold, so when we give kindness to ourselves first, it will come back to us. And when we give kindness to others it will come back to us as well, even if not from that particular individual.

Personally, there is no feeling greater than making another person smile, laugh and feel great about themselves.

7. What is the best way for us to get in sync with our bodies? What is that first step in listening to what our bodies tell us?

We can get into sync with our bodies through breath work. Taking at least seven deep breaths and focusing our attention on areas of the body that are calling to us and then listening internally to the guidance is very powerful. For some it could be exercise, others it could be diet and still others movement through dance or even a different vitamin plan.

For me it has often been "Give me break and just accept me the way I am." It was beat into me, as a child that I was fat and ugly and so this was a tough one for me and honestly is still a challenge, at times.

8. Do you see dancing as a way to reach our inner beings or releasing a lot of negative energy within us?

Yes, the movement of our hips actually allows our spirits to flow fully in our bodies. In essence, dancing grounds us more fully in our spirits.

9. You mentioned that as a child you were told you were ugly and fat. Have your tips in this book helped you in overcoming these feelings?

Yes they have although, as mentioned previously, this is still one of my weak areas and in following the advice in my book, I am able to bring myself back to a place of love and acceptance for my body.

10. In your book you discuss your divorce as a nasty experience. By nurturing your spirit how has that helped in overcoming this experience?

During this time I spent a lot of time with my daughter which I what my spirit needed. My daughter has an uncanny way to make me laugh, regardless of how I feel, and she was my inspiration for following through on the divorce, as difficult as it was.

11. Hard times have helped you grow stronger. This has been gratifying for you. How have you achieved gratification in this?

I have become much wiser and am able to see the best in people. I have also found the courage to follow my dreams and never give up, regardless of the obstacles that have been in my way. It has not been an easy journey for me however, the journey has made me whom I am today; for that alone, I am extremely grateful.

12. Not everyone believes they have an intuitive nature. For those who do not believe this what would you suggest for them so they could obtain this?

Our intuitive nature, or sixth sense, is as strong as our other five senses, we just don't realize it because we aren't taught how to recognize it. In my book I talk about journaling for 30 days. Each day you can ask a specific question, it can be the same one each day or a different one. Take a very deep, slow breath and place your hand over your heart. Write down the first impression, feeling, thought, or image that comes to you without censoring it. The idea is to build your intuitive muscle through this process and after 30 days you can go back and actually witness the accuracy of your intuition. It is important to write it down because we tend to forget over a month’s time what our intuition has said to us.

13. If someone does not believe they have an imagination, what do you suggest they do in this case?

Some of us have a greater imagination than others and yet, our dreams, our desires, and our goals come from what we imagine our lives could be like and what we wish our lives were like. The term 'desire' means 'from God' and that means that there is nothing that we desire (or imagine we want) that we cannot be do or have.

14. Do you find that humor is a great reliever in a serious world?

Yes, especially when we can laugh at ourselves. Again, this was a tough one for me to learn even though I have a great sense of humor. When we can laugh at ourselves and our perceived problems we open ourselves up to solutions and to the grace of God to work through us. We also see the world as a much friendlier place as well.

15. Is it important to be aware of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves? In other words, do we needed to be conscience of our opinions of ourselves?

Yes, our opinions of ourselves directly create our outer experiences and until we are aware of them, we cannot own them and then proceed to change them as necessary. If something in my outer world is not reflecting the life I choose to live, I ask myself "what must I be thinking in order to create this experience?". I write down what comes to me, replace these thoughts and opinions with ones that are more affirming and positive and then proceed to burn the ones that are blocking me.

16. What is the importance of just “being”?

If we can't just be who we are in this moment and be comfortable that is an indication that we are rejecting ourselves in some level. What we do is important, but we are being in the process is far more important. It starts with just "being" with yourself and loving every minute of it.

17. Why is it so important to live in the now and not the past?

It is futile to live in the past because we cannot change what is done. All of our personal power lies in the living in the present, being grateful and trusting that we have all that we need in this moment. In doing this, the future will take care of itself.

18. What is beautiful about growing older?

We become wiser and 'more seasoned'. We care less about the externals and care more about what really matters, living in a state of peace. From this place, our inner light shines more brightly and there is nothing more beautiful than that.

19. Is there a difference in being a “queen” and a “drama queen”?

Yes. A queen owns her power and uses it to touch others lives in positive and loving ways. A drama queen gives others her power and in so doing creates negative and often painful experiences for all concerned.

20. Do you believe that getting in touch with our dark side along with light side helps us to grow in a healthy manner?

Yes I do. Our dark side is only one aspect of ourselves but if we are not aware of what pulls us down, of what patterns of behavior consistently sabotage our efforts, then we do not have the power to change them. The only way we can change anything about ourselves is through complete and radical love and acceptance of ourselves, even the darkest parts of our self.



Thank you Dawn for this great experience. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

Reality Television and Peer Abuse

Reality Television has become incredibly popular in the United States. These days, there may be more of this than any other form of viewing, and while some of it can be educational, much of it can be detrimental.


According to an article in USA Today, reality television may be teaching Americans how to overreact. We see participants form alliances against others, verbally abuse each other and exhibit physical violence. Adults understand that this behavior is for entertainment purposes alone and that this is not how we should behave in our own lives. However, the article suggests that, without realizing it, we may be carrying this over into our own lives and how we react to others.


Dr. Roderick Hart, a professor at the University of Texas in Austin, says, "People can be seduced into thinking that’s the most common way of reacting to life when it’s not. Because of this 'tutoring' of emotions people are becoming culturally conditioned to think it’s okay to be more over-reactive."


Not only are they adding to the need to react emotionally, these shows may be teaching us how to bully and abuse peers. Exclusion, alliance-forming to harm others, and verbal and physical abuse all add to the problem of peer abuse. A recent study conducted at Brigham Young University on reality television and relational aggression found that shows like The Apprentice had 85 acts of verbal aggression an hour and American Idol had 57.


The more we watch reality television the more we are learning that it is okay to abuse others. It is not okay to abuse anyone, and maybe it is time to evaluate this behavior in our culture. This is certainly something to think about.

Article first published as Reality TV and Peer Abuse on Technorati

Bully Branding

Everyday we are reading and watching the news. Recently, it has focused on the problem of Bullying and how far it is going. Phoebe Prince took her life following a copy cat case in New Hampshire. Next, we hear of a couple of 11-year-olds who are taking their lives. It is sad and everyone says how it is sad. My question is why didn’t anyone do anything before it reached this level?

Another case in New Hampshire has people talking. This time it involves a 14-year-old developmentally challenged young man. He was abused relentlessly by his peers and it reached a point where these abusers decided to give him a tattoo on his buttocks. The price? They would stop abusing him if he got it but again he really had no choice as it happened against his will. Of course, they continued to abuse him further. Now, after the fact, the news is out and everyone is in an uproar. People are sad and wondering why it went this far? Why do you think it went this far? Because once again, the adults turned a blind eye to this abuse and here are the results. The bullies now face criminal charges. At lease a come-uppance is being given where in most cases the bullies skate and are rewarded in some way.

When is America going to wake up? Why are we still doing nothing? This is a disabled child here and we all know tattoos are not removable. I bet I can tell you what happened at the school before this child was tattooed. The bullies went after him and he tried to get help. He was told to ignore it and learn how to joke around with others. He told his parents who went to the school and nothing was done. So, the bullies gave him the tattoo and after the fact everyone started to do something. Why do we wait until after the fact? Intervention should be key here, not waiting around for something to happen. I blame the adults in all of this. They could have stopped this early on but did nothing. This problem is growing worse, not better and its time to step and do something. I hope while the bullies are incarcerated that they seek the help they really need. Extensive therapy and behavior modification. This behavior is pathological and if not curbed now, they will grow up into full blown criminals. Please, step in and step up! Speak out and do something before its too late. Our children deserve that!

The Celebrity Apprentice has no Bullies? Say what?

The Celebrity Apprentice has returned for 2010 and we have seen many leave since its season premiere on March 14 on NBC. Each episode has given us two hours of celebrities from Darryl Strawberry to Carol Leifer working to raise money for their chosen charities. There seems to be one exception this season and that is that a bully does not appear to be in the bunch. In past seasons, there has always been one or two in the bunch that constantly harped on team members, threw others under the bus, kept division amongst the group and the dirty laundry goes on and on. However, this season, I have seen several personality conflicts but not a full blown bully. Is The Donald getting educated on this serious and underappreciated problem we have in our society?

The latest episode is a perfect example. In the previous episode in the boardroom, both Sharon Osbourne and Maria Kanellis stated that Curtis Stone was “smug” they and did not care for him. Holly Robinson Peete and Cyndi Lauper still battled their differences. So, after this The Donald insisted that the former two ladies work with Curtis and moved Bret Michaels over to the team with the latter two ladies. All were not happy yet they came together. Holly and Cyndi, who have had differences in the past came together this episode and went “shopping and were getting married.” At the end both Maria and Sharon developed a new found admiration for Curtis. Sharon stated that she wanted him to marry one of her daughters so he could come over and make her dinner at Christmas. It was impressive to see people put aside differences and decide to work together. Of course Cyndi was angry when she was fired which was understandable. It was her decorated room that was so impressive. During the boardroom, she and Holly did go after each other. However, they were also encouraged in doing so by Trump. Bret Michaels sat quietly and for the most part, had a very hard time deciding who he felt should be fired. Nobody really deserved to be fired as all did well but those are the rules.

Personality differences are everywhere and are a fact of life. When people are different they will express frustration about the other as some of these did in the sidebars. Yes, Cyndi was hard to manage. Cyndi is also a highly creative individual who probably has never worked in an office setting a day in her life. However, she pulled together and worked with others and they still had nice things to say about her. Holly is very serious and organized. Some people are wired that way as well. Sharon admitted that her behavior has been bad in the past and apologized for it. Folks, these are not the minds of workplace bullies. I did not see any bus throwing, manipulating or intentional bad mouthing of anyone. Sure, they got on each others nerves but with little sleep and hard work, anyone in those shoes would be cranky at the end of the day. However, these traits are not what make an adult bully. Its as if this season of celebrities were living in Utopia for the most part. I was beginning to wonder if this was American television I was watching.

Kudos to Mark Burnett, Donald Trump and the gang at The Celebrity Apprentice. Its refreshing to just sit down, watch the interaction amongst team members and despite differences people still having some respect for one another. I hope future seasons bring much of the same thing.

Looks are not everything ya know!

Well, I come back from the holidays and what do I find? A link that someone in the Anti-bullying Community has shared on Twitter and was disgusted by what it contained. I took a glance myself and wanted to be ill. What kind of society do we live in where people sink to this particular level? What is more disgusting is that this site has gone global!

There is a dating site online that only accepts people who are beautiful or the powers that be feel are physically beautiful. This site has a strict ban on ugly people and has axed over 5,000 members because they gained weight over the holiday season. It is elite based and feel that those who do not meet the criteria are a threat to the site. Members must be voted in by current members and if they become unattractive or what is considered unattractive by other members then they are removed from their “club”. The company admits to being elitist, that they are not politically correct and want to be “honest” and that the members back this up completely.

Folks, this is without a doubt a form of bullying and relational aggression. People are accepted based on looks and they are excluded if they do not meet the criteria. Forget politically correct, what about having good manners and genuine care for another human being? By setting this criteria and not allowing others to join them, they show nothing but shallow behavior and no concern for others in my opinion. It also sends a message that in order to be accepted that one MUST look a certain way. I am all for taking care of ones appearance, however, this site is not about doing so. Its about shallowness and exclusion if you ask me. It “drops” members as a result. What ever happened to values? Love for fellow man? Have we as a society gone so low as to behave in this manner?

Please, love people for who they are and not what they look like. Beauty comes in many different forms and not all of them are physical. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but exists on the inside of a person just as much as the outside. Something to think about here.

Elizabeth Bennett is the Social Justice Guru seeking social justice for all. She is also the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective” along with the e-book “Child Safety Online: Top Tips to Protect your Child from Internet Predators.” Please visit Peer Abuse Know More! To learn more.

Dallas Divas and the Mean Girls

Wow! Another reality show and one that we get to see mother/daughter duos in action. This show Dallas Divas and Daughters airs every Sunday evening at 8pm EST on the Style Network. During this half-hour, we get a glimpse into the lives of five sets of mothers/daughters who live in Dallas, Texas and are considered members of Dallas high society. There has been a polo match, joint birthday party, fashion shows, preparations for the Debutante ball, lunch dates, shopping and many other excursions in the Lone Star State. I have to say that these ladies live some exciting lives. Even though I do not know these people, never met them and can hardly judge them, I can certainly comment on what I have seen on the show thus far.

This show is full of relational aggression and mean girl behavior. For starters, we have a group of five mothers where two of them do not get along. The catty comments they mutter under their breaths towards one another is pretty pathetic. These are not teen girls here but middle age women! One of them has stated it is “fun” to get under the skin of the other. We get to see them attack each other at the graduation party of one of the girls in the group. Then the other catty mother is having a birthday party which is shared with another lady in the group and we learn that the other mother/daughter team is not invited over silly reasons like being late. Sure, being late is rude, I agree but this appeared to be done in a mean spirited fashion on the birthday mothers part. Right there, we have the issue of exclusion. All she had to do was gently remind this woman to be on time. The uninvited mother made a comment that they were adults and this was high school and mean girl behavior. Yes, this looks really stupid in a group of middle age women. It was two of the women who had the birthday party yet one seemed to dominate the spotlight. If that is not bad enough, one mother puts down the daughter of the other mother when she is getting her debutante photos made.

The daughters are catty too. We see two of the girls who are in competition with one another. They are debutantes together, worked at a fashion show together and we see them try and one up each other every time. One girl got four tickets to see a band and it excluded two of the six in the group after promising everyone that they could come. Instead of picking in a fair manner like drawing names, we see the girl pick her three to go and they rub this in to the other girls who did not get picked. Then, we have a 17 year old who has stated that she will bully her mother until she gives in and gets her a Range Rover for her upcoming birthday. At this graduation party, the mother throwing the party had a specialized portrait of herself made for her daughter to carry to college with her. In the interviews, we heard all of the nasty comments from the other mother/daughter teams of the group. One said if her mother gave that to her for graduation she would throw it in her face!

Only one mother/daughter team has managed to stay away from jumping in the catty pool. The daughter is working with her sister to find her mother a boyfriend while we see the mother date. Its refreshing to see at least one team on there not to behave like they are entitled or behave in a rude manner to the others in the group. Sadly, we do not see much of this pair on there.

Folks, this is nothing but exclusion, backstabbing, put downs, silly competition and entitlement of a group of women and daughters. How can we expect these girls to stop their own mean girl behavior if their own mothers participate in this? I have been saying all along that Peer Abuse is an adult problem and am seeing it now more than ever on this show. Why can’t the two women who do not get along put their differences aside and try to get along? Why couldn’t the girl with the tickets have picked her guests in a fair manner? What sort of example is this setting for the daughters? One daughter admitted to bullying her mother! Please, do not use this as a model for your own children. Teach them good values and to treat others as they wish to be treated. At the end of the day, aren’t we better off having a friend rather than a foe? Or a frenemy for that matter?

Zero Tolerance needs Flexibility

As I was watching the local news last evening, I happened to see a segment on the issue of zero tolerance on there. Basically, local school districts were giving their policies and procedures as to how they handle this problem within their schools. The parents were complaining that zero tolerance was too strict and needed to be handled on a case to case basis. Schools have implemented this policy for quite some time in order to cut down on criminal behavior, catch the bullying going on and to basically keep weapons off campus so school will be safe for all students.
Recently, a kindergarten child was suspended for bringing a camping utensil to school. Another case happened when a first grader brought a knife to school. There was an incident in this nation where a 3rd grade child brought a kitchen knife from home to school. Why? A 5th grade bully threatened to rape him the next day. So, it was brought for protection. True, there are some who have brought weapons to school to start a fight or to do harm to others. It is important that we catch those who are planning to do harm to others in some way.

Lets face it; zero tolerance is too strict. It needs to be handled on a case by case basis. Gangs who bring weapons to school to hurt others should be suspended or expelled. Same with anyone who brings a weapon to do any harm to another person. However, what is a five year old going to know about a camping utensil? I highly doubt this child has threatened another in some way. Also, many bullied kids bring weapons as a way to protect themselves. When a school does not listen and the child is continually abused on a daily basis, he/she begins to feel helpless and looks for a way for protection. Its not going to come from peers or the school so they bring a weapon to school. The student gets caught and gets expelled for having the weapon while the bully walks without any punishment. After all, zero tolerance is zero tolerance.

Folks, the concept is not a bad one. Its just that in cases of Peer Abuse and the B word, the wrong kids are being caught and punished. In doing so, it reinforces the kid who is being abused that their rights, feelings or self as a whole is not nearly as valued as that of the bully. We all know life is not fair. However, must we continue to reinforce this to these kids already in pain? We all have rights in this nation, lets not ever forget that.

Sexting at Degrassi

This past Friday, an episode of Degrassi The next Generation aired an episode entitled “Shoot to Thrill”. This episode involved a girl named Ali and her boyfriend Johnny. Ali took some pictures of Johnny and a stuffed animal promising never to share them with anyone. As the episode went on, we saw how poorly Johnny treated Ali in their relationship. Instead of breaking up with him, she took it up a notch and decided to take nude pictures of herself and send them to Johnny on his cell phone. Needless to say, this went badly. Ali had posted one of the pictures of Johnny and the stuffed animal on the school wall which resulted in Johnny sending one of the sexting pictures to his friend Bruce. Mr. Simpson, one of the teachers had the displeasure of seeing the picture and sent Bruce and Ali to the office. The principal had a stern talk with Ali about the dangers of sexting and an organization called That’s Not Cool gave a PSA on the dangers of sexting and is a great resource for anyone dealing with abuse through technology.

Sexting has recently become an issue amongst teens and even adults. Teens have been known to take these sexual photos and send to one another. What is troubling is that these texts find their way online by cyber bullies or other abusers in relationships. This occurs when there is a break-up or just as form of blackmail. The thing that is not considered is that once these photos are sent around, they are out there in cyber land for everyone to see. The chances of them disappearing are slim to none. Situations such as this can follow the teen into adulthood and cost them jobs and other problems along the line.

Folks, talk to your children about sexting and the dangers of it. This is also a form of cyber bullying as the photos get passed around to others and are done so in a cruel manner and as a way to hurt the target. This could also result in a criminal record as the ones doing the sending are passing around what appears to be child pornography. Anyone under age taking these photos and sharing them are only adding to the pornography problem, not helping it. Teens do not see these consequences like adults do so its important for them to know this before they attempt it. At the end of the day, we want our children safe. Sexting is the last way to do it.

Big Brother is in the Building

Wow! Another week and another Google Alert. This time, its about having cameras in the classrooms in the United Kingdom. Wonder if this trend will hit up the United States?

A group in the UK called Class watch sets up cameras in classrooms and uses this as a basis for professional development. So far, they have been set up in over 100 schools and used for in class surveillance. They state that this is not an action of Big Brother existing but of trying to help teachers improve their performance in the classroom. Also, it can catch any abuse of peers as well. However, Civil Liberties advocates tend to disagree with this approach and see it as an invasion of the learning environment. Some at the UK Teachers Union feel these clips can be edited to make the teacher out to be the bad guy. Some at the PTA National Headquarters here in the US feel that if a demand comes in, this could be occurring in US schools at some point.

One thing I have to say is I do not agree with an invasion of privacy. As Americans, we do have our right to privacy. However, since the birth of the Internet, haven’t we lost a good bit of this privilege anyway? At the same time, having cameras in various locations has helped to catch criminals. Cameras do exist on some school buses now and in hallways. So, having them installed really should not be a big issue. One thing it would catch is any abuse that peers are giving to each other. A lot of this happens in the classroom and right under a teachers nose yet it goes undetected. This form of abuse is hard to prove because 99% of it is done away from authority. It sure would help in catching a lot of what is occurring and what parents and students bring to the attention of school personnel. The biggest problem I see is when school personnel will take these and edit them or conveniently loose them. I know that has happened in the past.
As for Big Brother, he has been hanging around for a long time. He has not entered our homes as of yet but he sure is out there in public places. I doubt he is planning to leave the building anytime soon.

Arnie breaks the Bullies

Well, another week and more news on the Peer Abuse front. This week, its great news and involves someone finally taking a group of bullies by the horns.

In California, there is a serious problem with the paparazzi who try and do what they can to get photos of celebrities without their consent. When I say anything I mean anything! As a result, they become a danger not only to these celebrities but the public in general. All sorts of laws are broken when they are out and about stalking their prey. Recently, Nicole Richie and Madonna were both in accidents as a result of the paparazzi. The late Farrah Fawcett could not even go to the hospital for chemo treatments without them stalking and harassing her. The paparazzi have become nothing more than a danger to themselves and those around them and its high time they were reigned in.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed an anti-paparazzi bill into law yesterday which now states that celebrities can take legal action towards paparazzi and media outlets when photos are used illegally. This was amended to a law that gave fines when these items were used improperly. The Paparazzi Reform Initiative sponsored this bill. This law will not be used to completely shut down media outlets and other means of reporting. It was formed to try and reign in the behavior the paparazzi uses in obtaining information on celebrities. To try and prevent not only celebrities from being hurt but the public as a whole. Ethically, many boundaries and rights promised to all citizens of this nation have been violated and its high time to bring these back into practice. Respect our fellow man and what is promised to all of us as citizens and as human beings.

Thank you Governor Schwarzenegger for signing this into law. As I have mentioned in the past, this is a form of Peer Abuse and these paparazzi have done nothing but bully these celebrities. They violated laws and endangered others. Now, driving down Wilshire Blvd. or anywhere else in Los Angeles will be safer for everyone. People can relax and I know these celebrities feel better knowing further legal action can be taken. At the end of the day, aren’t we all entitled to live our lives without the fear of being harassed, stalked or invaded on daily basis?
　

Queen Bee no More

Oh the joy of the fall season on television. New shows popping up and old ones returning. One that has always grabbed my gut is Gossip Girl. Last season was full of backstabbing, game playing and of course, the glorification of the Queen Bee. Well, The CW has graced us with another season and this time, the group of friends are either in college, hitting up the work force or just trying to find themselves. The bottom line is that they are now adults and as adults should be thinking along the line of adult behavior.

Blair Waldorf was the Queen Bee for two seasons. She ruled her “regime” at school, tried to get a teacher fired, played pathetic games with Chuck Bass and basically took her ever so faithful maid Duroda on every ride. Now, Blair is a first semester freshman at NYU and believe it or not, is now dating Chuck Bass. She also lives on campus and is rooming with nemesis Georgina. Blair insisted on living in the dorms so she could grab that crown and reign again. We see her line up girls on her hall while she and Duroda give them little gifts. Ever the expert on NYC, she tries to give tips on the city as an introduction into her new regime. However, all of this seems to backfire. Blair tries to throw a sushi party for everyone and instead they are more interested in eating popcorn and watching videos. Then, Georgina throws a roof party and invites everyone but Blair. Of course Blair comes and tries to use Georgina’s newfound Christianity against her and get everyone to follow her again. Once again, it backfires. It looks as if Blair has been dethroned in her new environment. Wow! A Queen Bee falls and I, for one, am glad to see this.

Gossip Girl gave a great lesson here. A Queen Bee will not remain a Queen Bee all of her life. When we move on from one situation to the next, we meet new people, get into new environments and in many cases, actually grow up. Blair’s goal was to be Queen Bee at NYU and thus far, people are not interested. Where we saw people having educated conversations at the rooftop party, we saw Blair plotting and scheming to be Queen. It was good to see these college students just relaxing and wanting to interact without these pressures. The only glaring exception I saw was Blair who resorted to her high school behavior by being rude to Dan and Vanessa and then trying to sabotage Georgina. I do not like to see anyone be miserable or hurt. In this case, however, I was glad to see some justice served. As for Queen, lets hope there is not a new regime in the works with anyone at NYU.

Queen Bees fall all the time in life. For someone who has been Queen Bee in her environment for a long time, this can be just as detrimental when they enter different phases of life as they get older and fall from grace. As adults, we need to do what we can to stop fostering this behavior and creating these monsters during these developmental years. I honestly believe a Queen Bee falling is just as traumatic as someone who is being abused by their peers. We need to let these girls know that life changes and situations change and that this is not the way things will always be. Life throws curve balls and we all need to know how to handle and survive them and be ready for them. After all, don’t we all deserve to grow up to be healthy and adjusted individuals? Something to think about.

Stop Bullying Rita Allison!

South Carolina is in the news a lot these days. As the story broke earlier in the summer about Governor Mark Sanford and his mistress from Argentina, we seem to have more than our share of national publicity. If the Sanford story is not enough to keep people busy, we now have another story break concerning Sanford. The difference is that this story is not true. I guess some people have too much time on their hands.

Rita Allison is a 69 year old grandmother from South Carolina. She is a member of the House of Representatives and has done a lot of great things for the Palmetto State. Most importantly, she has been happily married for 50 years to the same man. Over the past week, a story broke where someone had sent a letter to those in Allison’s House District stating that she also had an affair with Governor Sanford. Who sent the letter? At this point nobody knows. Allison has gone public with this and stated that this is not true. She has filed a defamation lawsuit against this “John Doe.” Good for her is what I say. Nobody deserves to have their character attacked and it shows she will not be abused by her peers.

This is exactly what adult bullies do. They will take a person and spread lies and gossip about them.. Not to mention they nitpick, harass, attack, demean and try to break that person. Through this they use other people and go to extremes. Chances are that this is someone Allison knows. It could be someone she offended or disagreed with in the past. Of course, Doe is not revealing him or herself but just sending a letter with lies. Why Allison? This is not a woman who goes out of her way to make others miserable so why try and attack her? She believes in having a good heart and doing good things for others around her. What is really sad is what people say on these blogs about her. They make jokes and do other things at her expense. What ever happened to compassion for other people? Trying to help their fellow man and support them in troubled times? These people do not even know Allison yet attack her anyway. Bullies seem to take pleasure in others misery. We can take the attitude that this is all in politics. Or, we can do the right thing and stop believing the lies.

Folks, do not believe everything you read. Bullies are alive and well and regardless of the other person will do what they can to bring their victim down. I can assure you this story is false. As for John Doe, please come forward and stop your abuse. Better yet, get a hobby or do something worthwhile for a change. Try and make the world a better place.

The Mind of a School Shooter

This week I wanted to do something a little different. Even though this event occurred many years ago, the name and event remains the same. Also, I doubt this aspect has been discussed at any great length. This event occurred before I was born and before many today were born. It even occurred before Charles Manson and Helter Skelter. As many of us may not remember this particular event, it does go down in history as one of the greatest mass murders of our time.

The late 1950’s was the birth of television, poodle skirts, Elvis on his way to the top and rebellion just waiting to break out. James Dean brought that rebellion out and many teens in America caught on to it. One particular young man, Charles Starkweather, was especially fond of Dean. He emulated his look and found many parallels within their lives. Starkweather grew up in the state of Nebraska. He came from a good family and was one of seven children. He had a stuttering problem and was bowlegged. Despite that, nothing out of the ordinary was reported during this time. Except for one glaring exception and that was he was bullied in school. The first day of kindergarten was a day that left a strong imprint in his mind and a turning point in his life. He went to school and was teased relentlessly for his stuttering and having bowlegs. Children would distance themselves from him and when picking team sports, he was always picked last. This was not just in kindergarten but throughout his school career. I read a book entitled Waste Land: The Savage Odyssey of Charles Starkweather and Caril Ann Fugate. The book stated his family life was good but his life at school was a nightmare. During his formative years, he felt society failed him and started to believe that the world saw him as garbage. He even had a job as a garbage collector as he dropped out of school in the 9th grade. His marks were poor and nobody ever intervened on his behalf in school. When he reached early adulthood, his attitude was that everyone believed he was trash and he rebelled against society completely. Some may argue that he was not biologically wired right. I do not buy into that. If this were the case, it would have come out during those earlier years in some way. The only thing that seemed to stand out was the abuse he endured at the hands of his peers.

Starkweather shook society to the core. He and his young girlfriend, Caril Ann Fugate, went through Nebraska and a small portion of Wyoming during late 1957 and early 1958 by robbing and murdering eleven people including Fugates own family. He was a angry young man who was tired of being seen and treated like garbage. So, he took action and justified it as he was going to be treated like everyone else for a change. He brought up being abused by peers a great deal. The things he and his girlfriend did are beyond comprehension. Eleven lives lost at his hands. Oh he failed society and was eventually sent to the electric chair. He got his just deserts as nothing excuses the death of another human being. However, I also believe society failed him too. Why was the abuse allowed to continue? Why didn’t the schools step in and try and stop the problem? Were these bullies ever held accountable for their actions? If you ask me, Starkweather had the mind of a modern day school shooter. School shooters go on rampages. The only difference is that school shooters usually do these things at school. Starkweather did it in two different states. Why didn’t anyone try and reach this young man during his formative years?

Again, I am not defending these crimes. He was punished accordingly and held accountable for his actions. I am not blaming it on James Dean either. Thousands of American teens loved Dean but did not go on rampages. What I do see is the bullying ringing loud and clear. Starkweather started to believe he was the garbage everyone made him out to be. As an adult, he got angry and got revenge. I do believe society failed him though as nobody put a stop to this abuse. If this young man had not been bullied, I wonder if those eleven people would have been alive today? Would this tragedy have even happened? Certainly something to think about.

OJ is at it again!

Whoa boy! I come back from a nice labor day weekend and a friend sends me some information about OJ Simpson and the fact that he wants to get out of prison. He and his recent accomplice, Clarence Stewart, were in high court this past Friday trying to leave prison based upon Nevada’s “heavy burden” clause where evidently, they could post bail and leave. The judge denied this stating that their crime was too serious and stated that they did not meet this clause. Plus, both would be considered flight risks. I know most of America is rejoicing at this decision.

OJ Simpson was acquitted from the high profile double homicide trial back in the mid 90’s involving Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman. In 2007, OJ and Stewart were found guilty of kidnapping and robbing two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas casino and hotel. During this act, both used firearms and of course, used violence. Vintage OJ, huh? This time he was held accountable for his actions. Simpson is serving 33 years while Stewart is serving 7 ½ to 27 years in prison.

The bottom line is that OJ Simpson does not get it. This is very common amongst the anti-social and narcissistic personality disorders. That sense of entitlement, avoidance of any responsibility and lack of remorse with their actions. Has any lesson been learned on his part? If he were released, would we have the “privilege” of seeing pictures of him playing golf again? OJ committed a crime which warranted prison time and the fact that he was trying to get released is troubling. Has he even apologized to the victims for his recent actions? Does this even begin to register with him?

I commend the judge for not releasing him. He broke the law and needs to pay his dues to society. It is not uncommon for adult bullies to seek loopholes and ways to avoid punishment. They believe they are above the law and do not deserve to be punished. They manipulate their way out of these situations. I am not one who just wants to “lock them up and throw away the key”. However, in this case, OJ should be in prison. His charm is not working any longer. If he were released, he would be back on the streets and another person would be harmed more than likely.

He just does not get it if you ask me. That right there is a scary thought.

Is Anne Heche a Bully?

I have been reading Google Alerts lately where a few people have called Anne Heche a bully. She was recently on the David Letterman Show discussing her husband and said some things which lead to bullying behavior. Plus, something her own child could watch and hear about his father. From what I could gather, this was not a pleasant interview.

You know, as adults, if we are hurting one another and slandering one another around without any thought to anyone else then how can we expect children to be any different? If a child sees an adult abusing their peers in some way then won’t they learn this too and think it is okay? We are the models that our children follow and become as adults. The things we say, the way we act and what we do affects them. A child should never have to hear or see a parent abuse their other parent or other family members. They should never have to have this happen on national television. That is not an everyday occurrence but still, it should not be happening. Despite what one parent thinks of another, they should never let it get back to the child.

Adult bullies are the hardest to deal with. Their personalities are set. Many are your psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissistic individuals. They do not “get” how their behavior affects others. Rules and regulations do not apply to them. The only interest is themselves and their own welfare. Many adult bullies will have no consideration for their children and their welfare. This is what breeds more bullies in the next generation. Adults should know better but sadly, they don’t. They filter our workplace on a daily basis. Parental alienation is another problem where adult parents who are bullies will forbid the child to see the other parent. Also, they speak lies about the other without any afterthought. All they think about is ME!

How can we expect our children to stop abusing one another when we continue to do it ourselves? This is certainly something to think about.