Mean Girls Grow Worse



The issue of “mean girls” in our culture has been growing and expanding over the past several years. It happens in school, at work, in the movies, on our televisions, through technology and basically everywhere two or more people co-exist.

Recently, an article was written entitled Mean Girls Mellow with Age (except on TV), which stemmed from an article in the Washington Post. The article provided research conducted in 2009 by Centers for Disease Control where 9th through 12th graders took a survey on Relational Aggression and maturity. Another mention was a study conducted at a Southeastern University where 202 undergraduates took a survey and the findings indicated that freshmen were more aggressive where seniors started looking at the behavior as immature. Adult survivors who found their childhood abusers to be mature and nice people shared a couple of stories. One of the girls interviewed stated that she befriended her bully on Facebook and the bully wished her a Happy Birthday. “She was perfectly nice,” she stated. Another girl stated that her former tormentor would egg her house during the teen years. As an adult, the girl apologized and told her that her parents were divorcing at the time and was having a hard time herself so she took it out on the girl. “Her apology freed me to realize that we all suffer in those adolescent years,” she stated.

These stories above are good and heartwarming and I am glad these ladies were able to get the closure they needed. At the same time, it is important to understand that in some cases these abusers do not grow up and outgrow this behavior. As I deal with adults who survived this peer abuse as children, I have met some who have been able to go back and get the apologies they deserved. However, this is not always the case and not all bullies grow up. Some grow a lot worse and it is important to understand this. I know of cases where these adults are traumatized once again when finding these abusers on Facebook or anywhere else. In one case, a female bully sent a friend request to her former target on Facebook. The former target confronted the bully and let her know how her behavior left a life long effect. Instead of apologizing, the abuser started stalking and harassing this person on Facebook. There are other stories, but due to privacy and confidentiality, I am not at liberty to say anything else. Since this article came out and was making its way through the blogosphere, I have read comments and found one former abuser state she felt horrible and wanted to apologize to her former target. Other than that I am finding over 98% of the comments to these blogs to disagree with these findings.

Folks, mean girls can also grow worse. Yes, at face value they are nice, polite and appear to have matured over the years. If they had completely matured, why are there problems in the workplace with these individuals? I do a lot of observing online and I watch females in their 30s and older. On message boards I see cliques form where other members are ostracized from the group. On Facebook and other places, I see people interact with some and completely ignore others in their posts. In the world away from technology, women come together and gossip; hold gatherings where some are invited and others are excluded. The silent treatment exists and the person is completely ignored. These adults still seek out people who are like them and whom they believe “fit in” to their world. This study looked at high school and college females who are still growing up. Why did they not poll adults who are out in the world and have personalities that are set for life?

Please, do not take everything at face value. Not every mean girl outgrows this behavior. Psychology is subjective and there is much more to this than we are led to believe. It is vital to know these differences.

* First published on Technorati http://technorati.com/lifestyle/article/mean-girls-some-grow-worse/

The Bully on the Apprentice

Last night I sat down in front of my tube and watched three long and grueling hours of the Celebrity Apprentice. I have always watched this show to see the dynamics and if any abuse of ones peers occurs. Of course, every season there is someone who just cannot help themselves. After a few episodes, one or two bullies manage to unravel and show themselves for who they are. The second season of the Celebrity Apprentice is no different. As Donald Trump has had this show on the air since 2004, I have found the concept of having celebrities come on there appealing. They are giving back through their charities that they support and much money is raised for the greater good. You cannot go wrong there. The Donald does have a heart and I commend him for using this format for his show instead of looking to hire people for his organization as was done in the past.

This season there were a variety of celebrities from Andrew Dice Clay, Clint Black, Jesse James and others. After weeks of completing grueling tasks, the final two standing were Poker Player/Champion Annie Duke and Comedian/Designer/Producer/Fashion Police Joan Rivers. Both ladies are intelligent, sharp and did well. However, what stood out to me was the behavior of both of these ladies. They despised one another and had a season long feud. Annie felt attacked by Joan where as Joan saw right through Annie and her behavior and called a spade a spade. The bottom line came down to the good vs. evil. At the end, The Donald picked Joan Rivers and in my opinion, did the right thing.

Joan Rivers is one tough lady. At her age, she showed extreme strength throughout the show. Sure, she is outspoken, brash, very assertive and never held back on what she really thought. True, she had her moments with Clint Black and other team members. However, was always able to move on and focus on the task at hand. She made it clear that she was there for her charity and to do something good for someone else. You knew where she stood. She also saw right through Annie Duke. I watched Annie on the show and watched her behavior. She called people on her cell phone and yelled at them and used many words that were “beeped” out. She always wanted to be around people she felt she could control. I saw the task between herself, Melissa Rivers and Brandi when Melissa felt like the odd girl out. I knew exactly what those two were doing to Melissa and Melissa’s feelings were very normal considering the situation she was in. Annie was condescending towards her peers which was troublesome. I watched her last night and saw how she talked to Tom and Dennis. I watched her call every contact she had and talked about Joan and how she did this and that with the designers. Every chance she had she attacked Joan and her character behind Joan’s back. Her goal was to “bring this woman down.” Even though Joan held contempt towards Annie and let her know it, she kept it out of the task at hand. She did not go on the phone and trash Annie to others, she kept it in the board room. So, who is the real bully here? The brash lady who had a purpose and held onto it or the poker player who “played” her way through the show?

Joan is not perfect by any stretch. However, I give her props for being perceptive and saw right through Annies behavior. I saw the same stuff as a viewer. However, Joan was not condescending to her peers. She had disagreements and they were usually resolved by the next episode. True, she should not have called Annie “white trash”, a “Nazi” and trash half of Vegas for their profession. That was a little harsh. However, she was not manipulative, did not play “odd girl out” games, focused on the purpose, did not bad mouth Annie to others away from the situation. Annie continuously brought these things up in the board room and during tasks. I watched Annie’s behavior and I found it to be very troubling. Also, very common in our workplace today. I have worked for people like Annie before and was not fun whatsoever. Annie is a workplace bully in my opinion and was glad to see Joan win. You look at the two ladies and really, at the end of the day, who was the real bully? Even though Joan used harsh words, she did not do so repeatedly. Annie did not know when to quit! She always knew who to tell these things to and where to tell them.

A person can be harsh, brash and outspoken. However, that does not make them a bully. Joan saw right through Annie’s manipulations and games and called Annie on them every time. Annie’s behavior was casebook Peer Abuse. I was happy that Trump did the right thing and picked Joan. Joan may not be perfect but she sure knew how to bring down a bully. Nobody can go wrong there.

Resource Cited: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b123155_celebrity_apprentice_joan_rivers_trumps.html

Please! No More Relational Aggression!

I was in the waiting area at H&R Block the other day waiting to get my taxes done. There was a Seventeen Magazine lying on a chair and I picked it up and started flipping through it. The one thing that grabbed my attention was a quiz called What Draws You In? This is geared towards girls fighting within their “crew” or clique. Two members of the group will be in a fight. There are other bystanders who are left wondering what happened in the first place for a fight to erupt.

This quiz has three categories for results. The first is “you love the attention.” This describes the person who draws themselves into the middle of the conflict to gain attention from everyone. Play mediator yet by placing themselves there, they are only keeping the drama fueled. Another result is “you want to feel needed.” Members will get involved to be the support system for their friends. However, this only leaves the person feeling abandoned once the fight is over. The final result is “you want to bond” meaning the group member will take a side and be close in the moment to one of the two friends. However, this bonding is only occurring during the negative and not the positive stuff.

I am sure that whoever created this quiz was well meaning as it was geared towards helping teen girls deal with these situations. I commend the person who created this as I know their heart was in the right place. However, I want to take it up a notch. By even encouraging this in the first place, we are only fueling teen girls to behave this way in conflict. Why does there have to be a middle man? Do they have to take sides? Is playing “therapist” really helping the conflict or confusing the whole group as to where you stand? My response to this quiz is that bystanders get together and help their two friends work the conflict out. Take both parties aside and get to the bottom of the story and talk it out. Get together in a group and talk it out. Why is that so hard? The problem is over a boy? Maybe the group can try and remember that guys will come and go but friends can last forever and no guy should come between them? Or if it is over clothes or an item, talk it out and figure out who can borrow what at a particular time. Most importantly, why does there even have to be a clique? Groups are fine as long as they are not exclusive. I do not encourage clique behavior at all as it is hurtful and destructive.

I am sure people will think I am naïve in speaking this. Believe me I am not. Teens are self centered but also have the capabilities to talk their problems out in a rational manner. I have seen it done with my own two eyes. What teens do not understand is that by feeding into these three areas of conflict, they only increase the drama and the problem only grows worse and not better. These three areas are a part of relational aggression. Its important that they do know this. Fighting between teen girls is normal. Handling the problem in these three areas only makes the problem worse and this is what teens do need to understand. If it helps, get an impartial adult to help mediate in the problem solving. The bottom line is that conflict is not healthy. Friendships form out of mutual interests and these are important during the teen years. Keep the situation real but deal with it in a healthy manner for everyone. At the end of the day, we all need our friends.

Resource Cited

Elizabeth Bennett is the author, consultant and speaker for Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California

90210 Naomi is not a Bully

In the 1990’s, I was a fan of the show Beverly Hills 90210. I watched it in college and during most of the decade. So, when a new 90210 came this season to the CW, I watched some of it as it had some of the old characters come back like Brenda and Kelly. The premise for this new show is about a family from Kansas who come to Beverly Hills to move in with their mother/grandmother who is an actress and getting older needing help from her son and his family. They have a adopted son and daughter who attend West Beverly High. This is the alma mater of the group who attended back in the 1990’s. I have only watched this show in spurts. However, from an anti-bullying perspective, I have to recommend this show as it is a good one.

There are four main female characters who I would say are friends but have had their share of problems. Two of them use to be best friends (Naomi and Silver), one is a child actress supporting her mother (Adriana) and the other is the one from Kansas (Annie). Naomi and Adriana are BFF’s while Annie and Silver (Erin Silver from the original 90210) have grown close. Naomi told everyone about Silvers parents divorcing in middle school which left Silver bitter. Adriana was sent to rehab for a drug problem and is now pregnant. Annie and Naomi have fought over a boy named Ethan who was Naomi’s boyfriend and is now Annie’s. There is a good chance that Silver will be diagnosed as bi-polar this season and she keeps a blog where she expressed her anger but she has stopped posting so much and channeled her energy into her boyfriend Dylan. Despite this drama, there is not any relational aggression going on in this. At first, I figured Naomi would be the mean girl but not only did she apologize to Silver for doing what she did but the girls are learning to get along. When Adriana was in rehab and became pregnant, Naomi turned out to be a loyal and supporting friend to her despite her strong personality and that she did get mad at Adriana while she was in rehab. Naomi did ruin Annie’s 16th birthday party because Annie stole Ethan from her. However, neither girl has allowed their angers towards one another out of control. As a matter of fact, the feud stayed between them alone. Naomi can be nasty but I have found that she reacts only when she has been offended. She shows her anger and moves on and does not dwell on the issue at hand. Also, Annie and Ethan were talking to a girl from their school who talked about have a devastating experience at the hands of mean girls at a former school and you could see the pain in her face. Instead of making it worse, Annie and Ethan both expressed compassion towards her, not rejection. Even though events occurred. The most important thing is that there are no queen bees emerging nor are there power trips and feeding into anyone one persons relationally aggressive behavior.

I will come out and say it. Despite Naomi’s strong will, need to be cool, the fact that she is spoiled and tends to seek revenge when offended, at the end of the day, she is not a bully and here is why. When two girls fight and hurt one another, this is not a situation of bullying. Even though Naomi hurt Silver with her words and Silver retaliated in her blog posts, Naomi took her responsibility in what happened and made things right between them. Even though Naomi and Annie fought over Ethan, this did not filter into other relationships or fester on involving bystanders. Bullies keep drama going and allow their power to get out of control while their targets do not retaliate. What has occurred on this show is typical adolescent drama. It is normal for girls to get angry over a boy. Both Annie and Naomi behaved badly towards one another. This is what happens when two people are in a fight. People are going to disagree and get angry. However, they keep it between each other and nobody is trying to overpower the other. Bullies also do not stand by their friends when they are in trouble unless it benefits them in some way. What does Adriana have that Naomi wants? Naomi comes from a much more affluent background. She lives in an upscale hotel unlike Adriana lives with her mother trying to help made ends meet each month. Maybe Naomi does not see Adriana as a threat but she has shown compassion and support to her and stood up for her. She does not seem to have any hidden agendas in this. I believe she honestly cares for Adriana. Bullies do not have this capacity within them.

Its important to understand these differences between strong personalities and outright bullies. People will probably say Naomi is nasty and yes, she can be. However, this is only when someone has angered her first. She is not targeting people to intentionally inflict pain for the heck of it. There is nothing wrong with being angry nor is there anything wrong with having a strong personality. Naomi is not perfect by any stretch and she has done some bad things. However, she took responsibility and right there that shows she is not a bully. Please, learn to distinguish between the two. Know that a fight is just that; a fight. Disagreement and anger between people is normal. What is not normal is when it festers, gets out of hand, people take sides, someone starts gaining power and queen bees materialize. On 90210, there is not a queen bee and for this reason alone, this show is much better to watch than others out there. On the anti-bully scale, I give it a thumbs up.

Relational Aggression and the Church

I am finally sitting down to blog again after flying across country last week and getting everything back in order again. While I was away, I managed to pick up the book Escape by Carolyn Jessop. Mrs. Jessop is a former member of the FLDS which is the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints which is a strict belief system. One thing I do not do is try and give others a hard time when it comes to their religion. We all have our beliefs, grew up in different cultures and are entitled to these freedoms in this nation. This book mentioned some disturbing things such as young teen girls marrying older men, men having several wives and children amongst some of them. However, this will not be the focus of the blog entry here. I have to commend this woman for taking her children out of this abusive environment and standing up to the FLDS culture. If this were me in this situation, I would not have lasted a day. There are so many horrific things occurring behind closed doors and it takes guts to speak out against these horrors. A man by the name of Warren Jeffs who was considered the Prophet in the FLDS committed many crimes and abuses which led to several women escaping the cult and sharing their horror stories and Jeffs eventual prison sentence as these things were exposed.

The aspect I wanted to focus upon is the relationship that these several wives have with one another in these homes. A man can be married to several wives at once and they all live under the same roof. As females, when it comes to men, we tend to fight amongst one another if we are after the same man. Yet what happens when you get a group together who are married to the same man for religious purposes? The FLDS considers these cluster of women “sister wives” and they are suppose to respect and get along with one another. Also, they “keep sweet” and make themselves submissive to their husband and Prophet which leads to nothing more than power hunger and ownership of others. One thing that Mrs. Jessop mentioned was these relations she had with her sister wives. The husband, Merrill Jessop, had six wives while she was married to him. The one most favored was the most abusive and the “Queen Bee” of sorts named Barbara. She ruled her sister wives and all children with an iron fist. These women ganged up on each other, gossiped, and clamored their way into the favor of “Queen Wife Barbara” and Mr. Jessop. They fought amongst one another for his attention. Barbara dictated the social order between them. Any discord amongst Barbara and the other wives filtered into the children and these ladies would take a great deal out on them if their mother was out of favor. Standing up to this Barbara was uncalled for and severe punishment ensued if it was done. Folks, this gossip, backstabbing, verbal abuse, punishments….this is relational aggression and as you see it happens amongst women and not just girls. Barbara is favored by her husband and therefore, she was given a great deal of power. Instead of using this power for the greater good of the family, she abused her sister wives with threats, punishments and other behaviors. The others either feared her or worked hard to get into her good graces by selling her sister wives out. From what I read, this was a vicious circle that never stopped but grew worse with time. As this woman was given carte blanche within the home, she used this to her favor. Mrs. Jessop mentioned several incidents where things got out of control because of this woman and her games. The mind games, favoritism and other behaviors made it impossible for anyone to live in harmony or keep sweet within the home.

Folks, I have said it a zillion times. Favoritism breeds all sorts of underlying problems such as jealousy which breeds a lot of resentment amongst people. Plus, with favoritism comes people who are given power which gets out of control. Its like a flesh eating virus or cancer as it multiplies and eventually kills. As you see, in a culture that is geared towards submissiveness, it occurs. A young girl being married to a man 32 years her senior is bad enough but to have to live with the games, gossip and power problems daily can really break a person. No wonder these women were getting on anti-depressants as mentioned in the book. Please, stop giving someone power within your cluster of friends or family. Try and see everyone for who they are and leave them be. None of us are perfect and when you build someone up, favor them and allow them to have any sort of power, you help create a monster. This Queen Wife Barbara lady became a monster as a result of this. She is one of many who have become monsters as a result.
I wish Mrs. Jessop only the best. Eventually, Queen Wife Barbara had to own up to her abuses in a court of law. Merrill Jessop, the one who favored Barbara and his children lives in the USA on one of the FLDS ranches. As for Warren Jeffs, as I previously stated, he is in prison for his own crimes and I hope he is learning to “keep sweet” himself while he pays for his own dirty deeds within the FLDS community.

Resource Cited: Escape by Carolyn Jessop

Elizabeth Bennett is the Author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more visit Peer Abuse Know More.

Ladies, Stop the Peer Abuse!

I recently read an article in the New York Times about women in the workplace. It was a great article and the source, Peggy Klaus, knows what she is talking about. She was dead on in her assessment of women and how they treat one another. We would like to think that when we get a group of ladies together, the relational aggression leaves the building and sisterhood and maturity take priority. This is so far from the truth.

Lets face it. Women are covert in their abuse and the workplace is of no exception. Its done in underhanded, backstabbing ways. Instead of talking things out in a rational manner we tend to go to anyone but the source of our problems. If we show emotion, we are considered bitchy which some take as compliments. Someone will correct our errors or criticize and we tend to take it personally. Or, we withhold information from others to benefit our own agendas. Some will take their maternal instincts into work and try and boss others around. Others may hold grudges for some reason and allow this to filter into the office. Or, comments get made which could be considered left handed compliments. In the grand scheme of things, all this does is lower productivity, increase illness and the company looses instead of gains money. Who can work effectively under these circumstances?

This is not meant to slam my own gender here. Men are just as capable of climbing into the sandbox as we are. This is to raise awareness of my gender and how our behavior affects each other and the organization as a whole. Some things I know would help would be some communication training. We are not taught to verbally express ourselves in honest and tactful ways. Therefore, we resort to this petty behavior which at the end of the day leaves everyone an emotional mess. Ladies, stop the clique building and office politics. Please let go of the grudges and lack of trust for one another. Your purpose in being there in the first place is to do a job. Not get gossip and building notebooks full of mistakes on behalf of others. Stay focused on the job at hand. Also, focus on your own job and let your superior worry about what everyone else is doing. If a colleague screws up, let the appropriate people handle it. If there is conflict, sit down with a third mutual party and talk things out. Listen and I mean really listen to what the other party is saying. That is the biggest problem right there; the lack of listening skills and the need to place blame on others without looking at our own behavior and how it is affecting the company. Nobody is perfect but as adults, we can try to at least get along for the sake of the organization.
I have been in this position a couple of times myself. Its not worth the time or energy. Please, put a stop to it if you see it going on. Allow someone who knows about peer abuse at work to come in and speak to you. Keep an open mind and most importantly, do your own job and stop sweating the nonsense!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/11/jobs/11pre.html?_r=1

Gossip Girl and Mean Girls

It is uncommon for me to blog twice in one day. However, I felt this time it was justifiable. As you know by now, I watch these Gossip Girl episodes and cringe. Yet, they give me something to blog about and are a great way for me to educate people on this serious problem of bullying and peer abuse that this show seems to enjoy poking fun at. In other words, they do not see the seriousness of this issue.

Tonight’s episode was one humdinger! We have the 15 year old Jenny coming back to the private school which she dropped out of towards the beginning of the season for her career in fashion design. Even though she was persistent in getting her career off the ground at such a young age, the basis of her leaving school had to do with the mean girls at school who declared her a “victim“. Now, we see a strong and confident Jenny, who got a grand taste of reality, come back and ready to battle these girls. She comes back to school and instantly sees a girl who “serves” this mean crowd who is named Nelly. Jenny witnesses a couple of situations where the girls treat Nelly terribly. They have her do such degrading things like wipe their feet and the way they talk to her is horrific. Instead of buckling under, Jenny and her friend Eric take Nelly in hand and stand up to this vicious beehive. They take the table where the mean girls sit daily and decide to sit there instead. When the girls try and bully them out of the seats, they refuse to move. This prompts the leader of this beehive to call her father to tell him to call the headmistress of the school and let her know that she was being bullied by Jenny and the others. Give me a break! This is classic bullying behavior! They abuse their peers all they want but when someone stands up to them, they play the “you are bullying and hurting me card.” The Fab Five in Texas did it and Megan Hauserman has pressed charges against Sharon Osbourne for attacking her. Never mind their behavior that prompted all of this in the first place! As the episode continued, we see Jenny leaving the headmistresses office letting Eric and Nelly know that she was called in there for her “so called bullying behavior.” Nelly lets a secret slip about this Queen and Jenny decides to use it to her advantage. Towards the end of the episode, we see the beehive, Jenny, Eric and Nelly standing outside a club. Jenny confronts these girls about their dirty secrets that she knew about and if they continued their behavior or tried to sabotage anyone, she was sending the information to the popular blog Gossip Girl. The girls thought she wanted to be “Queen” and Nelly thought maybe they could start a new regime. Jenny scoffed at the idea and Eric let them know that was the last thing on Jenny’s mind.

I was proud of Jenny tonight. She did the right thing and could have cared less about any of the abusive beehive stuff. She stood up for Nelly and also, stood up to the beehive that she feared earlier in the season. Also, she refused to even participate in the ugliness that this problem brings. This is just a kid who did the right thing and only wants to go to school. I appreciate kids like this and I appreciate this character for her stand in all of this. I am still appalled that the Queen called her father because she was being bullied yet was the bully herself. As I say, these bullies twist situations to their advantage and abuse any power they may have. Folks, do not let anyone twist any situation you may be in to their advantage like that. It is done intentionally and many are so charismatic that others will buy into this behavior. Be a “Jenny” and do the right thing.

I know many will again try and remind me that this is just a satire on the rich and famous and is not to be taken seriously. If that is the case, why are we not making satires of rape and child abuse victims? This is not something to be taken lightly but very seriously. For once, I commend Gossip Girl for doing what is right instead of feeding into the problem. Maybe now we can see them take this a lot more seriously. I. for one, hope that this is the case.

Resource Cited: http://www.cwtv.com/shows/gossip-girl

Sharon vs Megan: Part Deux

As the holidays are finally over, I am finally able to start getting back into the swing of things after two weeks of being away from blogging and all things Peer Abuse. Now, I am finally able to catch up and boy and figured a continuation of the Rock of Love Charm School scandal involving Sharon Osborne and Megan Hauserman was in order.

I was able to watch this Rock of Love Charm School Reunion last night on Vh1. The show itself was a good one where we were updated on the various happenings of the contestants and what they were able to learn and accomplish from the school and how some are applying these lessons in their daily lives. It was good to see these ladies use their social graces and many appreciated Sharon and what she had done for them.

Towards the middle of the reunion, Megan was brought to the stage. She was intoxicated; it was obvious. Osbourne was sober and very much a lady. Another contestant by the name of Cindy “Rodeo” Steedle was brought to the stage when Megan was. When Rodeo was talking with Sharon, Megan kept interrupting and putting Rodeo down. Rodeo was calm and composed despite Megan’s insults. At one point, Megan insulted Rodeos son which prompted Rodeo to get annoyed. At some point of the conversation, Osbourne made an honest comment that Megan should not be allowed to procreate. It was not said in a vicious manner and I think this is something anyone with half a brain would understand. This prompted Megan to spew a line of insults about Ozzy Osborne and the children. Much of what Megan said was “bleeped” out but by the reaction of the audience, it was really bad. Sharon stood up, excused herself in a calm manner, picked up a glass full of red liquid and threw it on Megan. The next thing shown was a huddle of security gathered around the two ladies and Megan being pulled off of the stage. What was not shown was Sharon Osbourne hitting Megan in any form. I did not see her fist touch Megan’s nor was Osbourne’s hair a mess. If she had been in any physical altercation, I would think Osbourne would have had scratches on her and hair completely in disarray. Now, Vh1 could have had her go backstage and pull herself together and edited around this but from what I could see, Osbourne did not appear to be damaged. You could see Megan’s hair was a mess but with all of those people that went to the stage, anyone could have pulled at Megan. The bottom line was that Osbourne threw liquid on Megan but that was the extent of what was shown. I really do not think Sharon hit Megan at all.

Hauserman crossed a line twice on that show. First, she said something degrading to Rodeo about her son. Osbourne agreed with Rodeo that she crossed a line. Then Hauserman proceeded to insult Sharon’s husband and children. Folks, when someone is not well as is the case of Ozzy Osbourne, they are deserving of compassion, not insults. Whatever Rodeos financial status or what is occurring with her son, neither did not deserve to be bashed by Megan. From what I could tell of the situation, Megan was trying hard to push the buttons of both ladies. Intoxicated or not, she said what she did. Besides, when one is intoxicated, they tend to be honest and more so than if they were sober. I believe Megan was aware of what she was doing despite that. She knew both ladies would get upset by those comments. She heard Sharon say something about her comment about Rodeos son was crossing a line. She’s not stupid; she’s very smart and shrewd if anything.

Some may disagree with me and consider this a cat fight. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions. Some may think that because Megan was intoxicated, she was not aware of what she was saying. Megan is insulting and cruel with words whether sober or drunk. All I saw Sharon do was throw liquid on her and I think she did so not only because of what was said about her family but what she said to Rodeo and basically because of Megan’s behavior itself. People start to get irritated by bullying behavior and many times, they bite their tongues until they have had enough. I think last night was the straw that broke the camels back and Sharon had enough. So she reacted but did not see her hit Megan. This is the case in many school shootings; the bullied kid has enough so he snaps. Sharon snapped by throwing the drink on Megan. So again, I wonder who the real bully was in all of this?

http://www.tmz.com/2009/01/05/osbourne-attacks-crying-and-stains-ensue/

Monday morning, I was pointed in the direction of an article online concerning Sharon Osbourne, the matriarch of the Ozzy Osbourne family and reality television star Megan Hauserman who has been on various shows such as Beauty and the Geek and others. Both were recently on a Vh1 show called Rock of Love Charm School where Megan was a contestant and Sharon was the headmistress of the school. This is a reality based show that aired during the fall season. The show taped its reunion episode on Saturday evening in Los Angeles where both were in attendance. However, things went a little over the edge between the two. Hauserman said something about Ozzy to Osbourne which spurned Osbourne to retaliate physically. A day after this occurred, Houserman went to the hospital and pressed charges against Osbourne. From what I am understanding, the incident is under investigation with the LAPD.

Sharon Osbourne is known for blowing up from time to time. She is fiercely protective of her husband and children. This is not unusual as most mother hens tend to have that protective edge. Plus, Ozzy is not in a good place mentally and does not function with all capacities as we all saw on The Osbournes back in 2002. It was not a laughing matter but a sad situation overall and not someone I would be making hurtful comments about. I am guessing that when Hauserman said what she did, it hit a nerve with Mrs. Osbourne and she reacted. I am also aware of Hauserman and her behavior on television as well. She is known for manipulating others and purposely doing and saying things to get them upset. She also acts without conscience and is hated by most everyone who watches these shows. I saw Hauserman on this recent show and did she love pushing the buttons of others and getting them upset. She enjoyed doing this. Osbourne would come down hard on these ladies and true, was no saint by any stretch. However, I never saw her act out of malice or cruelty unlike Hauserman.

Folks, there is no excuse for physical violence or lashing out at anyone. This stuff does lead to more trouble than it is worth. There are much better ways to handle ones anger. Whether it be in defense a loved one or not, there is no excuse for violence. However, knowing Megan’s track record, I wonder if she intentionally tried to push Osbournes buttons well aware of how she would react? Osbourne is reactive; however, I am well aware that Osbourne has publicly spoken out against bullying in the past. She does not advocate it and she eliminated Hauserman early in this show due to her lack of conscience plus her violence towards another contestant. For the most part, Osbourne does not run around on television manipulating people and trying to keep them upset. Hauserman is the poster child for relational aggression as far as I am concerned. She manipulates, plots against others, has exhibited violence of her own and keeps the people around her upset and seems to enjoy behaving that way. You can see her “Queen Bee” mentality coming through the screen and her followers hanging on to her every action. In my opinion, I find her quite scary and someone who just does not “get it” so to speak. She has behaved as many covert bullies do. Most importantly, she has no remorse either.

I was not at this reunion and can only go on what I have read about this and what I saw on the show when it aired this season. I have not met either lady in person. However, I can have an opinion based on what I have read here and what I know of both of these women. Sharon is the one with the charges slapped on her but Hauserman is the one who made the comment in the first place and has a reputation for being mean and nasty towards others. So, I have to ask, who really bullied who in this situation? Also, why did Hauserman wait a day before seeking care and pressing charges? If she was so bad off, wouldn’t she have gone to get help sooner? At the end of the day, I am guessing Hauserman was the real bully in all of this. It would not surprise me a bit.

Resource Cited:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2008/12/15/2008-12-15_sharon_osbourne_accused_of_attacking_roc.html

Elizabeth Bennett is the author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info .

Mean Behavior is Contagious

If there is one thing I have often wondered, it has been why mean behavior seems to be catching or contagious. We see it amongst us and people always seem to think its funny and a way of entertainment. We watch it on television, want more of it and allow it to filter into our daily lives. Two people are in an argument and instead of trying to stop things before they escalate, we sit by and watch. Reality television is a hot bed for relational aggression. Instead of squashing the bad behavior on there, it gets rewarded in some way. Plus, those who behave badly on these shows seem to get more attention from the viewer. I get the impression that being mean is in the “in thing” now.

A recent study was conducted at Bingham Young University where 53 women are asked to watch three video clips containing physical aggression (Kill Bill), relational aggression (Mean Girls) and no aggression (a séance scene from What Lies Beneath). Afterwards, the women took a couple of tests that are used to test aggression. Findings suggested that parents need to pay more attention to relational aggression in their television viewing. We get so caught up with violence in the media and how bad it is. Yet, more attention needs to be paid to relational aggression as well. It is just as harmful if you ask me.

I have to ask, what makes reality television so popular? Why do we want to watch shows like Survivor where people form alliances and stab each other in the back? Gossip Girl is another one full of relational aggression with the glorification of the Queen Bee. This behavior is highly destructive yet we want more and more of it. If that is not bad enough, we allow it to filter into our own lives and relationships. Subconsciously, we take this information and pertain it to our own lives because we know its rewarding and acceptable.

Folks, we need to stop excusing this and start to see it for what it is. We need to stop glorifying this bad behavior and making role models of those who behave this way. Stop the gratification and rewarding of it. Start to see it for the abuse that it really is. Why must this mean behavior be so contagious?

Resource Cited:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-15-aggression-study_N.htm

Elizabeth Bennett is the author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info .

A Culture of Psychopaths?

This past Monday, I was bored and had a sore throat so did not have a lot of energy. I was flipping through the tube and stumbled upon The CW’s Gossip Girl at 8pm. As I follow some of these teen dramas from time to time because of my work, I watched this and was nothing short of appalled. Why do we watch this and why do we want more and more?

The show begins with the first day of school. One character named Jenny is scared to go because of a fallout she had with some girls the year before and declares that last year she was a “project“ but this year is a “victim“. Soon, we see a group of girls sitting on the front steps. The obvious Queen Bee named Blair is sitting with a group of minions leafing through some folders of different new girls in the school. We also see these new girls being “interviewed” by this group and these newbies are classified as either “projects” or “victims” based on the decision of this girl Blair. Later in the episode, we see the same group along with one named Serena barreling down the hall. One new girl, Amanda, has attached herself to Serena’s somewhat ex boyfriend Dan which upsets this little beehive. They invite Amanda to lunch only to warn her to stay away from Dan. Serena seems to be a nice kid who warns Blair not to be so horrible about the situation. Well later, Serena, Dan and this new girl are on a “date” which is very awkward. Serena and Dan of course have a huge blow up. Blair is nowhere to be found but her minions are there. A guy named Chuck who would make a great candidate for the Anti-Christ shows up to the minions with some gel to put in Amanda’s hair and burn it off. So, these minions do so and Serena lets them know not to let anything happen again without going through her first. After this, we see Chuck paying Amanda for a job well done. A job well done? It seems that Chuck set this whole scenario up to shake up Blair’s standing as a Queen Bee and have Serena de-throne her. He does so because he loves Blair and wants her upset so she will run back to him. Then we see these girls together the next day at school where Serena is the obvious Queen Bee and Blair has been de-throned as Chuck wished. In the meantime, these same minions are making Jenny’s life hard by throwing her belongings on the ground and letting her know that the fun is just beginning. Jenny is now skipping school and showing up at a design shop where she interns.

First off, when is burning someone’s hair off a form of entertainment? I am really trying to wrap my head around this one. Second, interviewing people as possible projects or victims? This is school, not a battlefield! Wait, school is a battlefield and this show makes no bones about it. Also, this Chuck is nothing short of a psychopath and will probably be in prison for some white collar crime or become a politician when he becomes an adult. What is entertaining about a smart girl skipping school? A girl who could have a bright future but is being ripped apart by a group of vipers? Most importantly, why does there need to be a Queen Bee? This show is nothing more than a group of kids seeing life as a game of chess. Why must life be a game?

I find this show to be disturbing on so many levels. It glorifies bullying and peer abuse. Kids not even in college are already scheming, plotting and manipulating. Several of them have no conscience. One exhibits sadistic behavior for the love of a girl. This is how they express love for one another? It also proves my theories and what I have said all along. Bullies are pathological, narcissistic and even sadistic. They are mean, selfish, void of compassion and see life as a game. Is there a bright light at the end of this vicious tunnel? Lets face it, we are becoming a culture of psychopaths. There is no other way to say it.

Resources Cited: http://www.cwtv.com/cw-video/gossip-girl

Elizabeth Bennett is the author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info/ .