Bullies at Work

Well, after the Thanksgiving weekend I came back to a lot of stuff to catch up on. One article just stood out and could not let go of it. It was written in Canada but can assure you that this problem is alive and well in America. Adults should know better and grow up, learn to leave this garbage at the door. However, from experience and the feedback I get daily, I can assure you that childhood bullies grow worse and exist in the office as well.

In the article, I read of a woman working in an office who was asked to do some photocopying by her boss which went beyond her job description. While doing this she reached to answer the phone and the paper got jammed in the machine. Instead of reaching to help, the boss snarled “I thought you claimed to be an Administrative Assistant.” Since that incident, she has endured nitpicking, embarrassment and verbal abuse from this boss. As a result, her self esteem plummeted, she developed anxiety, felt incompetent and this filtered into her way of life. A co-worker even stated that they did not like it when the woman was bullied but did not know how to deal with the psychological abuse this boss was inflicting in the office.

Folks, who needs this? Again, let me ask you: Who NEEDS this on a daily basis? These bullies at work will pick up on one mistake and run with it. Someone will do something wrong and they never let it go! If it is the boss that is one thing. However, there are people who are not even in positions of authority and they still pull these stunts. They zone in one person and constantly focus on them. The complaining starts and it becomes contagious. Every little thing the other person does gets magnified and dissected redundantly. It gets to a point where the target cannot even come to work without receiving nasty notes in their box, an email or some nasty remark from either the bully or one of her little helpers. Its no wonder a person looses self-esteem, becomes anxious, stressed and eventually develops depression. Who can work and affectively like that?

Please, if this is happening to you, please document the date, time and what happened. Keep a log of this. If others are seeing this occur in the office, talk to them and ask them to document. That is if you know you can trust them. Check your code of conduct that is outlined in your workplace handbook or if something is hanging on the wall in the office. Do not let one person keep an office in an uproar. Also, for goodness sakes DON’T try to be accepted by the bully. Do you think he cares about you and it will make your job any easier? Most importantly, build up a support system outside of the office where they can be sounding boards. Do not keep all of this inside and to yourself. That only makes it worse for you. Most importantly, do not confront the bully on their behavior. They are looking for drama and games and will use anything you say to them against you. For them, this is about power, control and staying on top. I know the articles states that you should contact them early on but I disagree. They have found a target in you and will do anything they can to keep problems going. Their goal is to get you out of the organization. You are either a threat to them or maybe receive more pay than them. Anyone in your position will get heat from this person.

If you see this at your job, do what you can to help the one being targeted. Nobody needs this abuse and it is nothing more than abuse. Not only do the employees suffer when this is occurring but so does productivity and people are not working to their full potential. I think at the end of the day, we all just want to work, do our job and go home. There is enough stress in the world so why add to it? Something to think about.

As I was sorting through my daily Google Alerts, I found this article amongst the bunch. As a rule of thumb, I try and write about bullying and abuse by peers that occurs in the United States. However, this article which came from India really jumped out at me. If the title alone is not discouraging, the article itself is chop full of reasons to defend this problem we face. How can bullying be a good thing?

I understand the fact that children need to learn that life is hard and not always nice. That’s true; this is a dog eat dog society and people will throw one another under the bus to get what they want. It can be a vicious cycle. I think its important to teach children to stand up for themselves and take an assertive approach to the world. Also, its important to learn good leadership and healthy social skills so they can learn to get along with others and be productive. Conflict resolution is vital in the world today. Children do need to grow up learning these things.
One the flip side, when is abuse good? Abuse is not healthy folks. Constantly verbally, physically and sexually attacking others is not healthy. Since when is it good to beat someone down and break them to a point where some never recover a good thing? I guess this means someone developing depression, PTSD and social anxiety is a good thing too? This stuff happening daily in schools and the workplace is a good thing?

It’s a matter of limits folks! Knowing when it’s a matter of standing up for oneself and others and when it goes into abuse is vital in this. Children can learn healthy behaviors and grow up to be productive without this nonsense occurring. The bottom line is that people need to understand when and where to draw the line. Its pretty simple once you think about it. Teasing, joking around and such is just that; teasing and joking around. Friends do this and all in fun. However, it becomes an issue of peer abuse when the person says “Stop! Its not funny” or other things indicating that the situation is not but hurtful. “No means NO and stop means STOP.” When someone indicates they are bothered by the behavior then its time to stop! You can tell when someone is being hurt or affected as its not that hard. Really, it’s a matter of teaching this to children. Once they learn this, as adults, they will have this understanding can set these limits for their own children.

Limits and knowing them are everything in this. Bullies have no sense of boundaries and while they are young, its important to catch this and teach them this. Otherwise, they grow up believing rules do not apply to them and they have carte blanche to do as they please. Rules and laws exist for a reason. People just have to learn them and understand them. Its not different with the problem of bullying. In my opinion, this is healthy for everyone.

Resource Cited:

Elizabeth Bennett is the author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From a Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California.

Peer Abuse & Relational Aggression

Hi, I know……I have been gone for a week. Well, maybe more than a week. However, my mother came to visit me for mothers day and am just getting back in the swing of things.

Ah, a workshop on Relational Aggression. Again, many kudos to Susan Fee of the New Jersey shore area for getting this up and getting educated on this serious subject. She will be working with some local Girl Scouts in this. If there is a group that this problem exists in, its Girl Scouts. I know because for six weeks in the second grade, I was enrolled in the Brownie Troop and hated every bit of it. I never felt included and always felt isolated. Its that ole “you cannot play with us or be our friend”. I know….I know…..kids stuff. Well, this “kids stuff” really hurt and I begged to get out of it. FINALLY my mother gave in and let me quit. Who needed that crap?

Relational aggression is the “mean girls” and “girl on girl peer abuse”. It starts early folks. As young as preschool. This exclusion has always been considered “kids being kids” yet we wonder why in our society, the behavior of kids is bad and grows worse into adulthood? Well, if we would STOP ENABLING IT and start teaching early on that this behavior is hurtful and not acceptable then MAYBE we will start to see change. By saying this isolation is “kids stuff” is teaching these girls that its okay to exclude others and make them feel bad. Its okay to taunt others and make them feel bad.

I experienced relational aggression most of my life and still do. It still exists! Its not just in girls and tweens, its in grown women as well. I do a LOT of observing and see it alive and well in women and even men have their hands in it. They bring it to work and do things such as leaving others out of lunch invites, circulate emails and nasty notes and spread lies about others. Forming cliques is not uncommon either. You have your in-crowd and the hangers on who will do anything to become members of this elite group. They frequent message boards and use this by ignoring some members, going to pm’s to spread lies, always confront in mob mentalities…..its endless. What saddens me is that as adults they should know better yet this is all any of them really know. Some have been conditioned into being queen bees while others have fallen into the sidekick, banker and other dysfunctional social roles out there. They were never taught any different and now, they bring what they know to the world.

Its time to get serious about this girl on girl crime. The lies, cliques, in-crowds…..it needs to stop. Women, get an education……see what you can do about changing your own social roles out there if you have fallen into any of them. Get your daughters in these workshops so they learn early on the dangers in all of this. The formative years are crucial and we need to start educating. Kudos to Susan Fee for taking that step. Kudos to Tami McCandlish, Rachel Simmons, Dreamsinger and others out there who are working on this and trying to make a difference. Keep doing what you are doing!

As for the psychology in this, the scars can last a lifetime. The social anxiety, post traumatic stress, depression…..nothing saddens me more than to hear of a seven year old girl being diagnosed with clinical depression due to this horrific problem. It happens folks, I have lived it and continue to see it firsthand. Life is cruel, sure. Its hard and we are always going to have to face hurtles. However, with this, do we need to add to the stress that already exists out there? If you see this occurring in young girls, let them know its wrong to exclude others.

The steps in changing the world start with a random act of kindness. We can all make a difference one day at a time with this step. Something to think about….

Source: http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080516/GETPUBLISHED/805160480/-1/HOMETOWNS

Elizabeth Bennett is a Consultant and Author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info

Peer Abuse & Relational Aggression

Hi, I know……I have been gone for a week. Well, maybe more than a week. However, my mother came to visit me for mothers day and am just getting back in the swing of things.

Ah, a workshop on Relational Aggression. Again, many kudos to Susan Fee of the New Jersey shore area for getting this up and getting educated on this serious subject. She will be working with some local Girl Scouts in this. If there is a group that this problem exists in, its Girl Scouts. I know because for six weeks in the second grade, I was enrolled in the Brownie Troop and hated every bit of it. I never felt included and always felt isolated. Its that ole “you cannot play with us or be our friend”. I know….I know…..kids stuff. Well, this “kids stuff” really hurt and I begged to get out of it. FINALLY my mother gave in and let me quit. Who needed that crap?

Relational aggression is the “mean girls” and “girl on girl peer abuse”. It starts early folks. As young as preschool. This exclusion has always been considered “kids being kids” yet we wonder why in our society, the behavior of kids is bad and grows worse into adulthood? Well, if we would STOP ENABLING IT and start teaching early on that this behavior is hurtful and not acceptable then MAYBE we will start to see change. By saying this isolation is “kids stuff” is teaching these girls that its okay to exclude others and make them feel bad. Its okay to taunt others and make them feel bad.

I experienced relational aggression most of my life and still do. It still exists! Its not just in girls and tweens, its in grown women as well. I do a LOT of observing and see it alive and well in women and even men have their hands in it. They bring it to work and do things such as leaving others out of lunch invites, circulate emails and nasty notes and spread lies about others. Forming cliques is not uncommon either. You have your in-crowd and the hangers on who will do anything to become members of this elite group. They frequent message boards and use this by ignoring some members, going to pm’s to spread lies, always confront in mob mentalities…..its endless. What saddens me is that as adults they should know better yet this is all any of them really know. Some have been conditioned into being queen bees while others have fallen into the sidekick, banker and other dysfunctional social roles out there. They were never taught any different and now, they bring what they know to the world.

Its time to get serious about this girl on girl crime. The lies, cliques, in-crowds…..it needs to stop. Women, get an education……see what you can do about changing your own social roles out there if you have fallen into any of them. Get your daughters in these workshops so they learn early on the dangers in all of this. The formative years are crucial and we need to start educating. Kudos to Susan Fee for taking that step. Kudos to Tami McCandlish, Rachel Simmons, Dreamsinger and others out there who are working on this and trying to make a difference. Keep doing what you are doing!

As for the psychology in this, the scars can last a lifetime. The social anxiety, post traumatic stress, depression…..nothing saddens me more than to hear of a seven year old girl being diagnosed with clinical depression due to this horrific problem. It happens folks, I have lived it and continue to see it firsthand. Life is cruel, sure. Its hard and we are always going to have to face hurtles. However, with this, do we need to add to the stress that already exists out there? If you see this occurring in young girls, let them know its wrong to exclude others.

The steps in changing the world start with a random act of kindness. We can all make a difference one day at a time with this step. Something to think about….

Source: http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080516/GETPUBLISHED/805160480/-1/HOMETOWNS

Elizabeth Bennett is a Consultant and Author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info

Peer Abuse News

Welcome to the latest edition of the first newsletter on Peer Abuse to grace the world wide web! This is a free quarterly publication that goes out to all continents of the world. Please feel free to share this with others.
In this edition:
GREAT NEWS
SPECIAL OFFER
PEER ABUSE AND THE NEIGHBOR
MORE NEWS AND TIDBITS ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GREAT NEWS!
That's right, my book "Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From APsychological Perspective" is making news! On May 23, 2008, my bookwill be featured on CNBC radio. Someone is being interviewed onWorkplace Bullying and my book will be featured as a resource during this interview! I am so excited to say the least!

Also, A producer at Larry King is interested in my book and I sent him a copy this week. Please keep your fingers crossed that this gets picked up. So there is a chance I could go on Larry King Live. Will keep everyone posted.

Plus, my book was mentioned at the End Teacher Abuse meeting back in March. Thanks goes to Mimi Shapiro for her help. Thanks so much,Mimi!

Harold Cameron has also mentioned the book in a video and let folks know about it. Thanks Harold for all you have done!

Also, I have been blogging and doing some article writing on PeerAbuse online. So, I am getting the word out bit by bit. Just a day at a time…..I tell you, there has been a lot of press about thisstuff recently and we need to step up and speak out! Here is one place you can read more: http://www.peerabuse.blogspot.com/ and feel free to leave comments. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
SPECIAL OFFER FOR A LIMITED TIME
I have started selling my book to others on my own away from the publisher and other online places where it can be purchased. The cost is $16.44 ($13.95 + $2.49 postage). If you purchase a copy from me for a limited time, I will throw in a free phone consultation with it. A phone consultation can run up to $60 a hour but if you purchase my book directly from me, your phone consultation will be free. Free at what is a $60 value. This is for a limited time….a summer special and will end at the end of July. So, think about it and if you wish to purchase a book, please go to http://www.peerabuse.info/ and use the Pay Pal buttons on the site. Again, a limited time……so hurry! Please email me and let me know if you are interested!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
PEER ABUSE AND THE NEIGHBOR
Well, I know I try and focus on the school, workplace and psychology behind this problem of Peer Abuse. However, another place this canoccur is with a neighbor. Someone who lives across the street, next door, in the same apartment building…whatever. It makes doing anything seem strange and you try and do what you can to either avoid or get along with them so your living situation does not get dicey and drama filled. There is enough crap in this world already,why deal with it in or around your home? Some could argue that thisis more of a domestic issue. However, it is also a issue of peer abuse. It is something I am dealing with in my own life right now and I am sure many of you are also caught up in this. Whatever the case may be, it does warrant some attention here. Plus, a reader gave me this suggestion. So, I wanted to take a few minutes and focus on what to do in dealing with this.Are they making too much noise? Coming to visit 3 times a day? Spreading lies to other neighbors about you? Won't keep their toys out of your yard? Their pet is tearing up your flower garden? Want to know how much your Direct TV bill is each month? Have no concept of boundaries? Here are some general suggestions that may help. So far, I have been using them and they have been working for me.

1. Try to approach the neighbor tactfully and let them know what isbothering you. I say tactfully because full on attacks are going toput them on the defense and the problem will grow worse, not better. Maybe set up a time to go over and talk to them. Send them an email. Write out a note. If this is done in email or letter, save a copy for yourself so you have proof that you made the effort here. Again, make sure this is done with tact and understanding. Attacks breed attacks and before long, a small problem is the size of Godzilla. You do not want to let things get out of hand.

2. If you are wanting their stuff off of your property, possibly putup a fence right on the property line. It does not have to anything fancy; just something that will get the boundary set up so their pet or children will not destroy your property and visa versa.

3. Any lies spread, document the day you learned of them and the time. Also, the source that gave you this information. Any nasty notes left on your doorstep or emails? Save them also. Believe me, this can come in handy at some point.

4. Damage of any property: Call the police. Take pictures of thedamages. Let them bring forensics over to dust for fingerprints. Do NOT touch the damaged property on your own. That destroys evidence.

5. Any verbal stuff: Do what you can to get a tape recorder and hide it on you. They still make these tiny tape recorders and are very inexpensive. IF you have a video camera or cell phone with video on it, do what you can to get this recorded. You can hold a cell phone without them knowing you are filming them.

6. It gets physical: Again, pull out the cell. Video recording. Have someone who is home with you to get this on tape. Get pictures….take them to the police. Also, search You Tube, MySpace and other online sites where people love to put these sort of videos on there.

7. If your property is damaged, do NOT retaliate. You do this and it becomes a conflict and not an issue of peer abuse. Cover yourself in any way you can but do NOT retaliate. Otherwise, nobody will listen or help you because of retaliation.

8. Those who can help: Go to any homeowners group, Neighbor Watch, landlords, trustworthy neighbors, city or county council, any other local neighborhood affiliated groups. Go to the company that managesyour apartment, condo or trailer park. Whatever your living situation, there is an organization which has some authority and let them know what is going on. You can do this anonymously if need be. Go to city hall to see who can help you in this matter. Also, the police. They do nothing, go to their superior. Keep going up the chain of command. Some will try and pass the buck but do not let them.

9. If any of this is done on a continual basis, even after you have verbally or have put it in writing for them to stop and they don't, look into filing harassment charges. Put up "Keep Out" or "No Trespassing" signs and again, if they ignore them, get your documentation in order and look into pressing harassment charges and if there are threats, you can get a restraining order.

10. Again, everyone answers to someone. I know, some people keep going and have no respect for anyone else. They do as they please and ignore your signs and other things. Again, document….this documentation will help you at some point. I know it has been helping me in my situation. A great resource to learn more is a site here called "Neighbors From Hell". There are many links listed that can be helpful too. Bookmark this site and save it in your resources. http://www.borzotta.com/nfh/index.html

Again, do NOT retaliate as much as you want to. You do that thenthat gives them a reason to claim the same problems against you. Let them dig their own grave. Eventually, they will have themselves covered up without being able to get out. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MORE NEWS AND TIDBITS
JEFFS BILL: Congrats to Debby Johnston and others behind this bill for getting it passed with a 40-0 vote in the Senate. This is a bill in Florida that we hope will become a law called "Jeff's Law". Debra lost her son to bullycide and is working hard to get peer abuse stopped in her area. GO DEBRA!

A MURDERED FRIEND: Ann Fox Smith who lived in Aiken South Carolinawas murdered last Friday in her home. I knew her when she lived inmy hometown and we were friends. If anyone reading this knew Ann oranything about her, please contact the police. Here is a link to herstory and sadly, this will probably remain in the media.http://www.wrdw.com/home/headlines/18295734.html . Contact info to the police is at the bottom of the article.

CONDOLENCES EXPRESSED: A great lady, Judy K. Beach who was affiliated with the International Women's Writers Guild recently passed away. There is a web log set up where people can offer condolences or words of comfort. Please check it out if any of youknew her or are affiliated with IWWG. http://judikbeach.blogspot.com/ .

WE WANT A CHASING CAIN III: Yes, there is a letter campaign going onto send to the Canadian Broadcasting Company (CBC) for them to makea Chasing Cain III movie. The first two were really good with an intriguing plot and wonderful actors. If you wish to learn more, a My Space page is set up http://www.myspace.com/wewantchasingcain3 or you can contact the CBC directly at /http://www.cbc.ca/contact/ and it only takes 5 minutes to write.

NEED TUPPERWARE?: Check out what my cousin Teresa has going on. http://my.tupperware.com/teresacoggins .

ESQUIRE BEST DRESSED MAN: A friend is running for this and is needing votes. Please, if you have time, vote for Norman for the Best Dressed Man for 2008. http://esquirebdrm.com/NormanD/529

NEED AVON?: My friend Jennifer is selling AVON. If you are interested in purchasing some of this, visit here:http://www.youravon.com/jenniferlarkins

MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS: Mothers Day is just around the corner and some of the folks at MS here on the Pacific Coast area are selling some items. Check them out if you are still looking for that perfect gift for your mother.http://blaster.shop2stopms.com/view_blast.cfm?blast_id=252

CALDWELL BANKER: In need of a new home or looking to purchase some property? Kris Alongi can help you out. Visit this link:http://www.coldwellbankercaine.com/agent_details.php?agent_id=184

THE DAUGHTER IN LAW RULES: Check out Sarah Jane Cions free newsletter. Great stuff!! http://www.thedilrules.com/

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY: These folks have a lot of summer reading material. Visit http://www.mail-family.org/ if interested.

THE GRANT INSTITUTE: They will be hosting a grant proposal writing workshop in Charleston, WV on July 14-16 2008. Visithttp://www.thegrantinstitute.com/ to learn how you can learn more.

DR PHIL: Dr Phil is needing a teenage guest for the fall. He wants someone who has and continues to be cyber bullied. You can email meat http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PeerAbuse/post?postID=zy6u7xTYhTC03U5LbvDFLSK83pm6V0eM-yFB38HtS6kWONQIJ1WWZ3g94uSv7baqBMRoG3hfAzXCZPO_ij8nQCsg30sd4g and I can tell you more.

BIOLOGICAL DIVERSITY: Global warming is affecting animals in arctic and cold climates. Please, visit this site and see how you can help.http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/

IRIDOLOGY: A new book entitled "Iridology: The Science and Practicein the Healing Arts" by Dr. Bernard Jensen. To obtain a copy, visit Whitman Books at http://www.wwhitman.com/

HAROLD CAMERON: Yup, the "Be Positive Guy" has a You Tube account where he makes videos on different subjects. This is someone whotries hard to make the world a better place. Please check out his videos here http://uk.youtube.com/user/haroldsays. He has made one on Peer Abuse and is doing a great job in getting the word out.

SAFETY ISSUES: Check these guys out! They have a newsletter and work hard in trying to keep kids safe. http://www.safetyissues.com/ and learn more!

SEEKING AN ATTORNEY: If you are in the process of seeking an Attorney, one place you may want to avoid is http://www.jurisdictionary.com/ . Recently, a friend of mine was scammed by these folks. To the tune of almost $300 and this was money she did not have to begin with. So, please be careful….do not allow yourself to be scammed out there.

DR CHARLOTTE: Recently, Dr. Charlotte published an article about children and the violence in the media and on the internet. Visit here to read the article:http://www.imageryforkids.com/art_imagination.asp

JUVENILLE JUSTICE: Check out what is going on at the Office ofJuvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ojjdp.

AUTISM: Do you have or know anyone dealing with autism? Check out this site for some great educational tools. http://www.nlconcepts.com/

NAMI: The National Alliance of the Mentally Ill will be holding awalk on October 4, 2008 in Orange County. More details to follow later…..

SOCIAL ANXIETY INSTITUTE: Once again, I promote this site. A great one for the Adult Survivor Of Peer Abuse: http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

CHILD PREDATOR BUSTERS: Check these guys out! They are doing a LOTof good here online in catching predators on social web sites andother places. Go to this site: http://www.childpredatorbusters.org/

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE or EQ: Need certification? Trainings will be held throughout 2008 in Seattle, Washington. Go to this site to learn more: http://www.learninginaction.com/

THE COMMON BOND INSTITUTE: On September 4-8, they will be hosting a Engaging The Other Conference in San Francisco, CA. Visit this linkto learn more: http://www.cbiworld.org/Pages/Conferences_ETO.htm

ASSOCIATION FOR HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY: Check these guys out! They have a jam packed summer with conferences, workshops and other great stuff going on. Visit http://www.ahpweb.org/ and see what they have going on!

HELPFUL MATERIALS: If you have time, please visit the folks at Psychotherapy dot net. They have many new and great materials inbooks, DVD's and other products.http://www.psychotherapy.net/

BEING ABUSED BY THE SCHOOLS? Check out this great group!http://www.endteacherabuse.org/ to learn more. Also, check out their video on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3JoiniKNq8

BOOK ON HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY: Recently, a book was published for the purpose of making third force psychology (broadly construed) a stronger presence in child developmental theorizing. The book, Humanizing Child Developmental Theory: A Holistic Approach. This text utilizes ideas from Rogers, Horney, Winnicott, Kohut, Bühler,Knowles, Stern, Schachtel, Koffka and others.http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp WRD=Humanizing+Child+Developmental+Theory&z=y

Have anything you wish to share? Email me and will include it in the next edition . ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is it for the May newsletter. August is "readers choice" and am interested in what you as the reader wish to have here in the newsletter. Please email your ideas to me and will do what I can to do a lesson on it. Thanks for reading….see you all in August! Til then…..have a great and safe summer!

Regards,
Elizabeth Bennett
http://www.peerabuse.info/

Elizabeth Bennett. Copyright © 2008 All Rights Reserved.

Hello! Its another week and sadly, more drama amongst us. Many stories in the news about Peer Abuse and one that has really gotten my goat. There has been talk about peanut allergies and peer abuse. I am not sure how many are aware of this but those who have peanut allergies can die if consuming or even being around peanuts, peanut butter or anything with this in it. Its lethal and dangerous. Yet, these bullies now use this as a weapon in bringing more harm to their victims. I tell you what and have said it many times, we are a nation growing without a conscience and as far as I am concerned, this is criminal behavior. Also, I consider this attempted murder. Sure, I am probably coming off as over zealous in my thoughts here but dangit if it walks like a duck….talks like a duck…..need I say more?

There was an incident with a 14 year old girl with peanut allergies and a group of girls she had known most of her life. They were friends until recently when these girls decided she could not sit at their lunch table any longer. How did they decide to get rid of her and shut her out? Bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school! Okay, if these girls had grown up with her and knew her, they would know about her peanut allergies and the dangers of it. They had planned this together and one girl, with a bout of conscience, warned the girl with the allergies. If this was not bad enough, she walked into class one day and someone had a jar of peanut butter. When she came in, they opened it up and sadly, the girl had a reaction and had to go to the hospital for four days. Thank goodness she was able to get through it. What has gotten me is that the girl told the school about the kids and the lunch table and the school did NOTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!! Well, until after the fact and the girl went to the hospital they decided to do something. Now, the school has to treat this as a disability and under the 504 laws, there can be no peanut butter within the vicinity of this girl.

Do the schools realize that if this girl had died, they would have really been in trouble? Why is it that it takes actually seeing something to believe it? The school KNEW about these allergies and should have acted before it got out of hand like this. In the article, someone stated that kids do not realize the real danger in these sort of things. Excuse me? These girls grew up with the victim and were probably well aware of the dangers of peanut allergies yet “they were not thinking of the real dangers?” It is well documented that kids pass away from this. I get tired of this problem being swept under the rug. If bullycide is not bad enough, NOW we are going into homicide. Yes folks, intentionally bringing harm to someone, and in this case peanut butter, this is homicide!

My point in all of this is that despite them being underage, this was done with malicious and criminal intent and bullies are your criminals. Peer Abuse is not just “kids stuff”. Not only was this attempted homicide, but of course, good ole Relational Aggression. Yeah, you know the girl on girl stuff. The Queen Bee crap….but of course, I am sure nobody tried to investigate this or try to help until after the fact as “this is just kids stuff and it will blow over“. Kids at 13 and 14 may be testy but they certainly know the difference in right and wrong. Bringing peanut butter around someone who could die from it is wrong and again, attempted homicide. I wish these girls would be charged as such but my guess is they only got detention or were told “now don’t ever do that again, okay”. If it were me and I had a child like this, I would have pressed charges. Taken these abusers straight to the bank!

Thanks for reading.

Source:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/AllergiesNews/story?id=4659705&page=1

Billy Wolfe and Peer Abuse

Hello, yes, am back again and this time, am back with a vengeance. I AM MAD!
I have been reading online about this young man named Billy Wolfe. He is the boy in Arkansas whose family is suing the schools and his bullies for their actions and neglect. He is the boy that the bullies LOVE to beat up. Its sick!

Billy is a 15 year old high school sophomore. He has been bullied since elementary school by the same little sadists (yes, bullies are just that, sadists) and they went on and on and never stopped. The parents tried dealing with the schools and the bullies parents and to no avail. So, enough was enough and now, they are suing them all! Good on them, I hope they take them all straight to the bank.

I am sick and tired of people considering this some sick rite of passage. I am sick and tired of the denial, excuses and the whole she-bang! Just because these are kids does not mean they are immune to punishment yet we think just that…..guess what, if they are old enough to know right from wrong, they should be old enough to be held accountable for their actions. In Billy’s unfortunate journey, these sadists would beat him up, put it on camera phone and share it with everyone at school. Also, in one case, they pushed his head against a window in a school bus, it was caught on tape and STILL, nothing was done! EXCUSE ME???????????????????????? Oh and it gets worse, he has had to have dental work because of this and other things. Yet NOTHING WAS DONE! Hey, he was told that he deserved some of it. WHAT???????
Its high time we stop excusing this and get an education. Its high time we call a spade a spade and see it for what it is: ABUSE! Yes, this is outright ABUSE and that term “bullying” is not cutting it. This problem is growing worse and we are continuing to excuse it. Some are getting educated and I commend them but to allow this situation with Billy to reach these proportions is inexcusable! What is WRONG with people?

Folks, bullies “bully” or should I say abusers “abuse” because THEY CAN! They know nobody will do anything about it so it continues and continues…..would someone listen for once and save these kids from themselves????? For the love of GOD, PLEASE! They are creating so much havoc and I am sorry but in high school, a teen is old enough to think abstractly and therefore, old enough to accept some responsibility and know the difference between right from wrong.
Life is hard, sure. However, THIS is not “just life” but a violation of human and constitutional rights. IT MAKES ME ANGRY! GET REAL SOCIETY! STOP EXCUSING THIS! Yes, I am yelling because….well….I AM ANGRY and it is high time someone DOES GET ANGRY! I hope that Billy’s family is compensated in spades and that they seek him some counseling. This stuff leaves psychological scars that are horrific. As for the bullies, I hope they get help too…..they are the ones that needed it to begin with. If they had kept their crap to themselves, none of this would have ever happened. That’s right: I AM PLACING THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS AND NOT ON BILLY!

If anyone is reading this…..help! STOP FEEDING THE BULLY AND ENABLING THIS PROBLEM! DO THE RIGHT THING! PLEASE!

Thank you for reading and have a good day. Again, this angers me and there is no excuse. May Billy and his family prosper from this.

Peer Abuse Using Visuals

I have been reading the recent articles on Peer Abuse (what I call that “bully” word as that “b” word is not cutting it in my opinion) and one stuck out to me. The NBC affiliate KFYR in New Town, North Dakota recently did a segment on a group called R5 Online which deals with that “b” word.

I commend R5 on their efforts. They do presentations with videos and pictures on how harmful words can be to elementary schools in the area. By painting these kids themselves into the pictures, they see themselves actually in that particular situation. This helps them to visualize and try to gain an understanding of each other. True, children do not think abstractly but the use of these pictures helps to put the problem into a concrete perspective. By doing this, children are learning to walk in one another’s shoes. I think this is a great way to learn empathy because early on, that is when children need to be learning it. If not, this can lead to other problems later in life. This day in time, I think we could all use a good dose of empathy training regardless of what age we may be. Not only is R5 using the picture technique, they are also putting up posters around all schools and have a website set up where kids can go and talk to a counselor about these problems. Boy, do I wish these resources were available elsewhere.

However, I have to disagree with a statement that was made concerning the fact that this problem decreases once these kids get into high school. I strongly disagree with this and will explain why. When a person matures and becomes more abstract in their thinking, how they approach things may be less evident and more covert. During the elementary years, child bullies are very vocal and do not have the sophistication that a teen has in disguising these situations. Teens know that vocalizing these things will get them into trouble so they become more sneaky in how they abuse their peers. They have the tools to manipulate these situations and who to take their actions to. As for the abuse, much of it is done relationally and is very hard to detect. Sure, some is overt like hate groups but much of it is done away from authority, in places where nobody will “rat them out” so to speak. The mind of an abuser has become abstract and the actions have developed. Needless to say, as a result of this, it is much harder to detect who the bully is and who they are abusing. Many in authority are missing the mark here and chances are, maybe the group from R5 is missing this as well? If having ones life threatened, do you think they are going to go and freely share the fact that they are being abused by their peers? That is ratting someone out! A form of social suicide! A sad and terrible way to view this but it’s all these kids know. The older they get, the more they know to be a fact. Maybe this is what could be occuring in this case?

As I previously stated, I am glad someone else out there is gaining an understanding and reaching out to others on this serious and lethal issue. Many bullies lack empathy and catching children early on is vital for healthy emotional growth. However, we need to understand that this problem does not “grow up” but it “grows worse” and becomes much harder to detect as a person matures. There are many adult abusers today who started out being childhood bullies. They flew under the radar due to the fact that their behavior was always excused and swept under the rug. They never grew up or out of their behavior, just fine tuned it with time. Remember, bullies do not “grow up” but they “grow worse”. This is definitely something to think about.

Source:http://www.kfyrtv.com/News_Stories.asp?news=16735

Elizabeth Bennett is the author of “Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective” and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info/ .

Folks, bullying IS abuse! Did you know that??

Hey there! Its another week and more bullying and peer abuse occurring out there. Here is the latest…..

Well, we have second graders who are writing their own books about bullying. One even stated that this helps her get her own bad feelings out.

A recent study was conducted where cyber bullying has gone up to 9% from 6% five years ago. One thing that may help is to keep an eye on pages such as MySpace as this is a hotbed for bullying. If parents have access to their childs account, this could well decrease any bullying occurring.

Also, a woman who has a daughter who was ill went last year to purchase cigarettes and wrote a check for $26.61 and the check bounced. She is on a fixed income and was threatened by a company who stated that she needed to pay a certain amount to them or would be facing jail and $1,000 in fines. This was a simple mistake on her part yet the company was relentless. She has fallen victim to a company who contracts with the court system that demands excessive fines from those who have written checks for very little money. They bully others to pay these excessive fines and threaten jail time. Many times, writing a bad check is just a simple mistake on the part of the victim and can usually be cleared up with the bank. Plus, this was the first time this woman ever did this and was bad check book balancing on her part. It happens and we all make mistakes. What is more disturbing is that the victim never received a letter from the merchant letting her know that the check had bounced in the first place.

There was a young man who had written a list of those who had bullied him in school and church. This list was found by another party who took it to her mother. So, with everyone jumping the gun as they do before getting the facts first, took it and the young man was charged and authorities were contacted. However, through actual talking things through to get to the truth, it turned out that the bullies were the ones who pushed him to this point. Really?? Someone is actually getting this?? What took them so long??

Folks, I lived this for 27 years. I KNOW what this can do to a person and it is not some stupid rite of passage. Please, PLEASE know that bullying is actual abuse: Peer Abuse! Why should anyone have to put up with it? Why do people have to do it?

This Week In Peer Abuse

Dear Reader,
Well, another week and more news on what everyone knows as “bullying” but what I know “Peer Abuse”.
I have to commend the Police Department in Novi Michigan for getting on top of this problem. They are aware of the dangers of this and have suggestions to combat the problem. In Overland Park Kansas, Lakeview Middle School has decided to add the Olweus Program to their curriculum. In Altoona Pennsylvania, a group of kindergartners to third graders had to do an exercise where they shut their eyes and imagined what a bully is. Many saw a bigger boy picking on a smaller child. That was the first thing that came to their minds. In Pueblo Colorado, a girl was fined $230 for abusing another girl. In Salt Lake City Utah, some legislation is being worked on to combat this problem. In Savannah Georgia, a video was taken of a thirteen year old boy sitting at his desk minding his own business while a couple of kids came up and kept hitting him and hitting him. Then, the video showed up on My Space but was removed. The bully faces expulsion and possible charges. The officer on campus is an Adult Survivor Of Peer Abuse.
I am glad people around the nation are cramping down on this. Taking some sort of action towards education. Reaching kids while they are still young. Punishing the bully for their behavior and holding them responsible. For one adult survivor to speak out on his own experiences. It does my heart good that some are actually “getting it” so to speak. Kudos to them!
However, there is a couple of elements still missing. Why are we still calling this bullying? Folks, a thirteen year old boy had been attacked and attacked while “trying to ignore it” and then was more humiliated as he was videotaped and had the tape thrown up on My Space for millions to see. The eleven year old girl was cited $230 for disorderly conduct yet was standing up to the real bullies. A group of girls had been aggravating this one girl and bullying her since Christmas yet she is the one in trouble. For what? Fighting back? Taking it and taking it until she cannot take it anymore? After this group started to harass her, her grades dropped and she started having other problems. Yet, she gets charged and the other girls? Well, my guess is they are getting off with nothing. Which is par for the course. Blame the victim in all of this. Yes, two elements are missing here. Bullying is a form of abuse, its PEER ABUSE! How can someone just attacking and harassing someone over and over and OVER NOT be considered a form of abuse? Man, in other forms of abuse these issues are seen as such. Also, in other forms of abuse, the victim is protected and the abuser is punished. In one case, this happened but in another, it did not.
Its time to get real, America. Time to call a spade a spade here. This problem is growing worse by the minute and the same tactics are not cutting it. When I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I was bullied nearly to death and nothing was ever done about it. So I KNOW how these kids feel. Peer Abuse is probably one of the worst things anyone can go through. Yet, we still enable the problem and again, another victim is punished for the bullies own crap. Also, what really baffles me is that a video camera was used in this assault. How does a video camera even get in there? Evidently it was brought to school by the bully for them to even get the video downloaded online and placed on My Space. The video has shot out the actual faces of the abuser and his victim but the movement is on the screen. The adult survivor said it was one of the most disturbing things he had ever seen.
Society, please…..PLEASE wake up! This is not kids being kids but is outright abuse! It needs to stop and needs to be treated seriously and brought to a clinical and psychological level. People have died and are continuing to die from this. Open your eyes! Please!
Elizabeth Bennett
http://www.peerabuse.info
“Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective” on sale now for $13.95. Visit the website to learn more.

Peer Abuse: Another Blind Eye Turned

Well, here we go again……or that is how I am feeling anyway. Yes, another school shooting this past week and how many does this make now? I am losing count but can assure you that I know what is behind them.

Steven Kazmeirczak came into a lecture hall and killed five people and injured sixteen before turning the gun on himself. This occurred at Northern Illinois University. From what I have read, this young man was a good student. A very gentle boy who did have some problems at home after high school and was admitted to a psychiatric facility by his family. As a “B” student in high school, he was a member of the band and chess clubs. He got a degree in Sociology from NIU. Also, he had an “incompatibility discharge” from the Army and had concerns about this being a “stigma” on his record. It has also been discovered that he was on medication and stopped taking it a couple of weeks before the shooting.

Well, the “experts” have given their take on all of this. The same ol same ol….he had stopped taking his meds which caused this. Or better…..his social isolation and desire for attention created this. Yeah, that’s it! He was a loner and just wanted attention. A loner who stopped taking his meds and wanted attention….okay, America can live with this. Society can live with this. Its an attention grabbing thing so they get famous and make the six o’clock news. So, with that, we have our answers and everyone can go back to more important issues such as what time does “House” come on TV tonight. The things that REALLY matter. After all, this is just some stupid attention whore who wants his fifteen minutes and really is wasting everyone’s time here.
Folks, these experts and others are missing key factors here. What caused this young man to be on meds in the first place? It was reported that he was gentle by nature so what caused him to create such an act? Why was he discharged from the Army for incompatibility? As for this fifteen minutes crap, if he was wanting attention so badly and to bask in the limelight, why did he turn the gun on himself before making the six o’clock news?

You know, when it comes to these shootings, people are missing a key component. PEER ABUSE! The root of this problem is that the shooter has suffered daily abuse at the hands of his peers. Oh it eventually comes out that the shooter was bullied, suffered from social anxiety and depression, felt isolated and just snapped. After all, a person can only take so much abuse until they snap. Nobody around will help them. Sure, they went to someone and let them know that they were being tortured daily at school. However, they were probably told to “ignore it and it will go away” or “this is a fact of life. You are too sensitive. Stop being so sensitive and the bullies will leave you alone”. Nobody in authority to help so they take this into their own hands. I mean, nobody around them is helping and the problem is not going away so why even bother taking the meds in the first place? They are not doing their job because the problems are still existing. So yeah, he goes off his meds. He has had enough and he snaps.

This young man was in the band and chess club in school. Aren’t these areas considered places of “social suicide” to the repulsive high school culture? Only “geeks” and “nerds” participate in these activities according to society. These are the ones who are bullied on a daily basis for being such “geeks” and “nerds”. Yet, why are these experts missing this? Living with these stigmas daily and being tortured and harassed for having these interests is hell on earth.

I think its high time people really get educated. Look at the whole scheme of things here. To stop trying to avoid the problem altogether. Skirt around it and find other reasons and excuses for this problem of Peer Abuse. Did anyone ever think that these kids are going off meds because the problem itself is not stopping? If they wanted fifteen minutes so much, why are they not sticking around to bask in the glory? Did anyone ever bother to think that making the six o’clock news is a way to cry out for help and to show people that they suffered at the hands of their peers? A person can only take so much of “geek” and “nerd” on a regular basis. It breaks a person and their spirit to hear these things over and over and OVER again. Also, a gentle soul….that is so NOT acceptable because we are always taught that “big girls don’t cry” and “to be a man and toughen up.” These are the only behaviors that are acceptable so someone who does not share this temperament must suffer at the hands of his peers.

Peer Abuse is a serious problem in our society and the problem is growing worse and not better. Its time to crawl out of denial and really look at the core problem here. Start to treat this problem as a form of abuse and not some sick right of passage. Its time for America’s Dirtiest Little Secret to be exposed and known for what it really is and that is abuse. Peer Abuse.